Something that I have struggled with lately is knowing who I am. What is it that makes me, me? I have frequently wondered this about myself, I figured that there must be something wrong with me since I still felt the need to explore who I am. It seemed that everyone else already had themselves figured out. They had an idea of who they were and they lived that idea every day. Yet, one major lesson that I have learned is that you never, ever stop learning. Every day, you learn or discover something new about yourself; and that is not a problem by far. I frequently stop and ask myself, “why did I do that?” or “why did I say that?” I question myself as to why I act certain ways. Why do I consistently feel like I am hiding behind a mask of self-doubt, always second guessing my actions?
I have come to learn in all honesty that I do not have a good idea of who I am, where I am supposed to end up, or who I am supposed to become. I do not like feeling clueless, but I must accept that this is a normal feeling. I believe that there are late bloomers and I, for one, happen to be one of them. To clarify, I do not believe this to be a bad thing because I have been blessed enough recognize this problem and realize the need for improvement and work.
I see the need to take a step back and be more observant in myself and in others. In doing this, I have seen that things don’t always go the way I want them too. This is an obvious fact; I am 100% sure that everyone at some point in their life feels this way. The common phrase to say during these situations is, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade”, which is a great phrase but it never really spoke to me on a deep level. Rather, I stumbled across an even better quote that spoke volumes to me. It said, “I have learned to love the sound of my feet walking away from what is not meant for me.”
Since I am consciously making the strides towards watching and learning from myself, I have noticed that certain things cause me to put on a mask. Most of which is coming from the internalized pressure I was putting myself through to branch out and make new friends. So, when I read this quote, it automatically clicked in my mind.
I realized that when I took a step back from the pressure of college and focused on the fact that I am here for school, I was better off, and I didn’t feel the need to hide behind a mask. I realized my purpose, I didn’t feel as lost. I have a re-found knowledge of what I am here to do, which is go to school and learn great things that will get me far in life. I interpreted it as instead of being sad of the things that haven’t gone my way, trust that God has me on the right path.
If I constantly have the pressure of “expanding my friend group” then I will not make true friends. I need to be okay with the path God has for me, and that if he sends a great friend my way, I will be extremely grateful. I realized the need to be grateful for the people in my life, they are here by choice. They are a privilege and blessing, not something to be taken for granted. I needed to learn to love his divine plan for me. I needed to learn to love the sound of my feet walking away from what is not meant for me, and instead walking towards God’s will and my ultimate happiness.
