You know, a lot of times I wonder if you read my articles. Some deep, internal intuition inside of me tells me that you do, so here's to hoping that you read this someday.

I'm at a true loss for where I should even begin with you, and that's astounding. Rarely have I ever been left so speechless by someone or their actions. If I reflect back on the course of our relationship, I become infuriated by your actions. Intellect takes over at that point, highlighting all of my mistakes as well. Naturally, this leads me back to a calmer place, allowing me to think through the emotion. Just so you know, I often try and reason out your actions. As time has gone on, the light at the end of the tunnel has grown fainter. People ask me for insight, but yet again I am left speechless. I don't know if I can no longer understand you, or if you're simply going crazy. You're erratic and volatile now, and I'm no longer scared to tell you that.

One thing is for certain though, you broke my heart. You didn't just break my heart, you obliterated it. I had someone ask me why once and I laughed. I told them you could do things like that simply for sport, they didn't laugh. Matter of fact, they changed the topic altogether.

See that's the thing, you make people uncomfortable. You're so hellbent on belittling others to get your way that you can't see what you do to them. Maybe I am being naive and you can see it, you just simply choose to ignore it. Seeing the pain that you inflict upon others has to be excruciating, but you don't stop. Somewhere deep inside of you, you do care. I have seen the compassion in your eyes and watched you do things normal people wouldn't dare for this exact reason. This complicates everything for me, and I am always left standing in your corner- trying desperately to defend your actions. I still do it, even though you have inflicted more pain upon my life than I ever thought possible.

I still defend you because I love you.

At one point in time, I considered this love toxic. I became determined to rid myself of it, but that was futile. Instead, I have learned to live with it. This decision has changed me fundamentally; it's made me stronger than you ever thought I could become. I can now look back with a sad smile instead of the tear-stained face I once possessed. I can say thank you and mean it.

I am truly grateful to you for all of this. The one thing that cannot be disputed is that you taught me a lot, both good and bad. You took time to cultivate my mind, knowing that I wouldn't survive without it. You pushed me to my breaking point. Even when you were too busy to see that you were killing me, you drove me to be successful. This showed me how deep my drive truly is, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I know my limits better than anyone else my age, and it sets me apart. Perhaps the only reason I will succeed in all of my endeavors is because of what I was put through, so I can't be angry at you. You were simply the unfortunate soul who had to carry out a will greater than your own, and I hope you realize this now. From all of our battles and tests of will, you've helped me unlock knowledge- wisdom- that I never would have found otherwise. You helped me grow up, albeit before my time. You pushed me to the brink, and that allowed me to find my voice. You gave me a passion, and I thank you. For all the harm you caused, you did good.

Most importantly, you showed me how I needed to be loved. Just so you know, I found it. He has been more patient with me than I deserve, doing everything that he can to help me. He has shown me unabashed, pure love with no stipulations or hidden rules to the game. He just loves me. Most of all, he's true. He does not lace his words with poison, or force me to walk on eggshells. He does not anger at the flip of a switch, and never in a million years would he allow me to be harmed. Funny enough, we argued the other day while cutting bull calves because he was afraid I would get hurt. Crazy right?

Just know that I forgive you, Dad, and I love you. Always.