I am 1 and 4.

1 and 4 women have a miscarriage, before 20 weeks.

There are 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies a year. More than 500,000 pregnancies end a miscarriage each year.

I am 1 and 4, I'm here to tell you my story.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I was with my sister. It was like deja vu. I took a test & I gave it to her. Her reaction sticks with me everytime I think about my little angel in heaven. I took four tests. All four of them were positive. The anxiety i had being young and pregnant and wondering i feel i was going to be able to take care able to the baby and afford to live on my own. It was stressful, it really was.

I told my parents on December 16, 2018. My sister gave them a box with a baby bath towel, a binky, a onesie and a positive pregnancy test. She said "Rory's going to be a big cousin, a big cousin" my mom didn't understand as i was sitting right next to her smiling. My sister said "Darien's pregnant" My moms face was priceless. She looked at me and said "What, Are you serious?" My dad said "Oh jesus", his face lit up and began to turn red. They were extremely happy to have another grandchild on the way.

Later that night, my dad was looking at cribs. He was so excited that i was going to have a baby. My mom bought me pregnancy journals so I can keep track of how I felt during my pregnancy & maybe one day I could show my child it.

December 23rd, 2018.. The worst day of my life. I called my parents at 11:14 pm. My voice was shaking. I was sobbing. My dad picks up the phone, I could barely get the words out. He asked me what was wrong, I said "Dad i'm bleeding, i think i'm miscarrying" He hands the phone to my mom. She said it was normal to bleed during a pregnancy but I had a gut feeling.

I called 911 & went to the er. I had to call my boyfriend, and tell him he needs to come to Washington Hospital right away. I didn't explain why because he was at work. They ran tests and they did an ultrasound. I saw nothing on the ultrasound. I heard no heart beat, i saw no baby.

The doctor came in & she begins to tell me that my HCG levels were 27. She kept talking but all I did was stare at her with tears running down my face, blocking out everything going on around me. Wondering "why me", "why does this have to happen to me", "what did I do to deserve this".

I go home, crying, feeling empty and alone. Ill never forget how I felt. Ill never forget how hard it was seeing my sister with her baby. Ill never forget hearing my dad so upset on the phone and him holding back tears. Ill never forget the pain i went through while passing my child at my parents house and yelling for me mom because I was holding my baby in my hands.

December 25th, 2018, i went over my grandmas house for dinner. Everyone knew i miscarried. I was looked at with pity. There were babies there and it hurt me to see them but I held my tears back. I got question asking if i was drinking while i was pregnant & i never felt more offended in my whole entire life. I got looked at as this young healthy 21 year old, i got looked at as it was my fault why i lost my child.

No one tells you how hard it is losing a baby, no one tells you how hard it is seeing other women pregnant in public. No one tells you how hard it is seeing a baby let alone your own nephew. I didn't even wanna look at my nephew or hold him. It still hurts seeing him. My due date would've been August 22, 2019. Just two days after his birthday.

They say it'll get easier as days pass, but it doesn't.

I woke up on December 23rd, 2018 pregnant with my boyfriends hand on my stomach saying he can't wait to meet our healthy baby one day.

I woke up pregnant and went to bed not.

I'll never forget the pain i went though. Not a day passes that i don't think of my baby.

People say "you'll be pregnant again, don't worry". It's not about getting pregnant again. I wanted that pregnancy, I wanted that baby.

No one tells you the pain you go through.

I am 1 and 4. This is my story.