The end of my 1st semester into college I was talking to this guy, we shall call him Bob. Bob was a great guy, a true gentleman. There were a lot of things that we did not have in common and to be quite frank things probably would not have lasted long between us anyways, but I digress. The day that I ended things with him we had this really long heart to heart, and he said something that has just stuck to brain like super glue. He said, "Hannah you are just scared." Of course I replied back with "Scared of what exactly?" He said "You are scared that someone might actually love you, and you are scared that you might actually let yourself go and fall in love with someone else."
WOW. That is all I have to say...Okay fine you caught me I actually have more to say.
That was a very profound statement he made. It meant a lot to me because that was the first time that I actually woke up and opened my eyes to the truth. The truth being that I was scared, very very scared. I still am very very scared. Scared of what exactly? Well to be more specific I have to refer back to Bob's previous statement because he pretty much nailed it on the head. I am scared of being happy, and I am scared that someone might actually be happy with me.
That may sound very silly to you but I promise there is some twisted logic behind it. I talked in my last article (The Jenny Series PT 2) about how my innocent bubble was popped. When this happened I started blaming myself. I resented several people in my life because of what happened to me and how I was treated after the fact. Eventually I grew to just move on with how I felt about everybody else, but I never got over how I felt about myself.
I felt trashy. I felt like used goods. I felt useless, hopeless, and I lost all of my motivation to even try to reach my goals.
Sometimes, if I am just being completely honest, I still feel that way. 95% of the time I do not feel that way, and that is because I have become so great at pushing all of my serious emotions aside in a box in the back corner of my brain. The thing is though ever since I have realized my true reasoning as to why I had been acting the way I had I started actively trying to change. Not to say that I don't have slip ups and that I'm not scared and that I don't push people away, because I really do.
Let me just back track and be real with you for a second. I had a little summer love this past summer with someone that I have been close to for a very long time. Now if you read my article "To the boy who didn't waste my time" then you will know that things between us were short live. However while we were together I did my typical routine that I always do where I say negative things that in a way undermine how the guy claims that he feels about me. Well he stuck through it and stayed; however the funny thing is that as soon that when I let down my walls and finally embraced the "love", and truly started being myself it was then that he decided I just was not right for him, and began to mentally check out of the relationship.
I think this bothered me more than I initially led on to people. The reason being I went so long with managing to either set myself up in situations that I knew would fail or just completely avoided the situation all together. Then I finally totally let my guard down. Here I was being 100% real and it wasn't good enough. I was not good enough. At least that is how I took it.
The thing is though I had it all wrong. The problem was not me. The problem was the myth I had allowed myself to buy into. The myth being: for some odd reason I let myself get completely consumed with guilt and self shame from things that happened over a year ago that I just led myself to believe that I did not deserve happiness. That is when I began sabotaging situations where I could be happy.
I have to remind myself, even now, that the myth is false. It is a bunch of bologna on a fruit tray, meaning that it doesn't belong here. I have tried to come to accept that I do deserve to be happy, and I do deserve to find love. I just want to encourage you today that you deserve the same thing and you can find it. Things may not always work out for you in life, in fact I am sure the majority of the time they won't. Have you ever seen the picture quotes that fly around on Facebook talking about how Walt Disney was fired because he wasn't creative enough, or that Michael Jordan didn't make the basketball team?
The moral of the story is that it is always better to have tried and failed then never trying at all; because not trying at all is the equivalent as accepting failure.
The reason why I want to change and grow from this experience is because I do want happiness. I do not want my past to hold me back from my future. One day I imagine myself sitting in a rocking chair with my most loved one pondering on life and what all we had been through together. How can I ever have that if I do not work for it? Anything worth having is going to require some work. I want to actually work for what I want and then relish in the moment where I accomplish my goals.
One of the whole points of writing these articles in the "Jenny Series" is to document my journey as I begin to get the courage to forgive myself, set myself free from these past burdens, and finally move on.
I encourage you to read part 1 and part 2 before this, and check out part 4 which will be coming next week. Just know before I leave that you can do this.
