Dealing with a person whom you have a child or children with can be difficult. However, it is very important to co-parent with the other person for the sake of the child. Co-parenting can be very difficult if there is anger or resentment between the two parents. Making decisions together for the sake of the child should be the main concern. A child’s needs should always come before you and your ex’s scruples and dislike towards each other. Remember, throwing the child in the center of it will only have ill effect on them.
Start off by thinking of your relationship with your ex as an entirely new and fresh relationship, one based solely on the well-being and needs of your child/children. There are many benefits of co-parenting for your child. They feel more secure and have a self-esteem boost when knowing both parents love them and want them. Consistency is key. Making sure both households run with similar rules, discipline structure, rewards and bedtimes will help the child have a routine. It will reduce the risk of having issues of a child being upset because mommy doesn’t care if they do this but dad doesn’t want it to happen. The child will grow up with a better understanding of problem solving from seeing both parents working together.
Always keep in mind when co-parenting keeping drop-off’s civil and friendly is very important. When talking with the other parent be respectful, talk slowly and keep the conversation focused on the child and their needs will help prevent arguments. Instead of making demands of the other parent make requests. The other parent is most likely to respond positively towards requests rather than being told or demanding something happen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. You listening to what the other person has to say will not hurt you at all. You can always calmly respond if you disagree and come to a conclusion.
Be sure to never use kids as messengers. Call the other parent yourself if you have any issues, concerns or things to talk about. Using your child as a weapon to hurt the other parent will hurt your child as well. Whatever bad happened between you two was none of the child’s doing. Keep that in mind, your child does not need to be in the middle or your own personal battles. Don’t ever make the child feel like they have to choose between parents just to please you. Your child has a right to have a relationship with both parents without outer influence.
I believe that equal parenting time should become law. Colorado, Florida, Maryland, Massachusetts, and Missouri are currently looking at passing a law to give equal parenting time to both mother and father. Equal parenting time is proven by research to be less stressful to a child. They don’t have to be upset because they only saw their father for two days and then have to leave and not see him again for two weeks, all because the mother only allows him every other weekend. Fathers get the short end of the stick the majority of the time when it comes to custody agreements. Courts grant primary custody to the mother 80% of the time. Not taking into consideration the father and their influence in a child’s life. Studies show children who are well-bonded and loved by involved fathers tend to have less behavioral problems. Fathers are just as important as mothers in their respective roles as caregivers, protectors and role models for social and emotional behavior.
Another topic related to this is child support. The system used for deciding upon child support is severely outdated. It was established over 40 years ago and has not been fully updated since. When established it was based off the stereotype that the mother is the housewife and father was the breadwinner. Making it look as though the mother needed the extra money from the father monthly to get by. Now a day’s it is very possible for mothers to get out and get a job to support herself and the children. The current child support system is flawed in many ways not just the ones stated above. It is hard on low income fathers who struggle to get by just paying their bills not including sending large amounts of money a month to the mother. The current child support system fixates on enforcement of making the father pay child support rather than making it possible for the father to be more involved in his child’s life. There is too much emphasis on making sure the father pays or he goes to jail and not enough focus on making sure the father gets to see his children more than two weekends a month. Shared expenses should become integrated into the system. Both parents should be responsible for taking care of the child’s needs. If a child needs diapers, clothes, shoes anything it should be paid for half by both parent. School activities, child care, doctor’s bills, etc. should be split in half and both parent pay a share. The father should not have to be concerned about making sure all of his bills are paid, making sure his child has what they need as well as making sure his ex has everything she needs as well. The current system does not take into consideration the accountability for how the child support money the father sends is being spent. Fathers shouldn’t have to pay child support then fight constantly to see their child more than every other weekend or to be able to see them at all.
To prove my point that this is possible I will share a little about my current situation. I am going through a divorce with my husband of almost 5 years. We have two wonderful boys together they are getting ready to turn two and four years old. At first our separation did not go well at all. It was constant fighting and petty arguments. Now after getting past the initial separation we are getting along for the sake of the children. I know he is a good father, that is all that matters to me. What happened between us was between us and had nothing to do with our boys. Currently he gets the kids every single weekend, it isn’t exactly 50/50 parenting time but it was the best we could come up with due to our work schedules. If he has plans or events he wants to take the kids to we figure it out so they can go with their dad and vice versa if I have something I want to do with them on a weekend. We converse with each other when there are concerns about one of the boys. We have the same basic routines at both homes and we both expect the same things from the boys no matter where they are. He also does not have to pay child support. I don’t expect it, when I made the decision to leave him it was under the full understanding that I would have to step up and do better for them and that I could not rely on him to pay for everything. If the boys need diapers and I don’t have the money for them he buys them no questions asked because that is something the boys need. He helps pay for the babysitter and anything else the boys need if I can’t afford to pay for it entirely. Just as if he needed financial help getting them something for his home, he knows he only has to ask and I will help or we will find a way to make it happen. We can do this because we know that the children have to come first. We still have our differences but we keep it civil and respect each other because that is what our children need us to do. I won’t ever be one of those women who keep their kid away from their dad out of spite and will never expect him to take care of me and my bills or frivolous expenses. That is how it should be. Remember ladies, fathers matter to our children just as much as we do. Children need their dads in their lives. Don’t ruin your child’s life just because you can’t be a mature adult.
