*Warning: This is me being really real and going really deep into some heavy stuff.*

My senior year of High School I lost someone close to me by suicide. It has been one of the things that has impacted my life drastically. When it happened I got texts from everyone. Some family, some friends, some people who I did not even know very well. Among the responses were, "I'm sorry", "God has a plan", "God will use this for good", "Suicide is selfish and I'm sorry they made that decision". None of these helped. If anything, I think they kind of hurt me in the long run. The one that did help is the, "I'm here for you." And the one that helped, even more, was the people who actually were there for me. The "I'm sorry" was just never enough. The "God has a plan" hurt me so much. How could my friend's suicide be God's plan? Further, how could "God will use this for good" even be possible? When it happened I was mad at God. I didn't understand him and for a while, I just stopped believing he was good. How could a good God let my friend come to a point so low that he thought suicide was the only answer? I have struggled with this question ever since it happened. People say we don't know all the answers and some answers we just won't ever know. I came to a point where I did not know what to do anymore. I went to my college's free counseling, which helped me process it a lot, but I still have the same questions swirling around in my head. I've come to the conclusion that yes, there are answers we aren't supposed to ever know or find out and I guess this is one of them. I think when it comes down to it my friend was given free will and there was nothing God could do to alter his choice. But I also take heart in the fact that my friend was a Christian and is now in heaven with God in no more pain. In fact, my mom even had a dream that he came to us and told us he was okay now and that everything would be okay. So, what do you say when someone who has thoughts of suicide? Well, I think something that helps with people who have thoughts of suicide is listening to them and simply being there for them. Don’t judge them but tell them and show them how much they are loved. Not everyone knows how much another loves them by only seeing actions or by only hearing the words. You need both. Being someone who has been impacted by suicide, I’m quick to hear responses like “they were selfish” when I share that I was affected by it. But knowing the pain I felt after losing them and knowing that their pain was ten times worse then what I’m feeling is more understandable. I’m not justifying the action but we need to do everything we can to help people who struggle with thoughts of suicide. And survivor's guilt is real. I wasn't the closest person to my friend but I was still deeply affected by it. Suicide is not something as simple as a death due to natural causes. It's not even as simple as an unexpected death. Suicide is complicated and understanding it is so much harder. I think a lot of people will see/hear that someone committed suicide and respond, "Aw, that's so sad". Not me. I see that and think about their friends and their family. How are they feeling? Do they have the same feelings and doubts that I had? I always try to tell them "I'm here for you" and actually be there for them. Because I know what it's like. I know what it's like to be at work and see something outside that reminds you of them and burst into tears. I know what it's like to be mad, no furious, at God and ask him why and never get a straight answer. So, when you see or hear that someone has committed suicide and you know them or the people that were affected by it, please be there. Just be there. And people who are having thoughts of suicide, be there for them. Be there and tell them how much you love them. Tell them it's okay to seek professional help if they need it. That Jesus loves them no matter what and you will too. Don't just sit back and say, "Aw, that's sad" or "Wow, committing suicide is really selfish" because these people are in pain. Pain you probably don't know anything about and all they really need is someone to take their hand and let them cry, remind them over and over and over again that you love them and you'll be there, and tell them that it will be okay because they will survive. Even when they can barely breathe, they can survive, because you'll be there and so will Jesus. Now, I know God is good but it is always hard to see his goodness in tragedies like this. What the devil means for bad God will certainly turn to good but that doesn't make it hurt any less (Genesis 50:20). But there's a purpose in the pain if you can bear to feel it. And that's to be a voice for those who are in too much pain to speak. If you feel like you're struggling with thoughts of suicide, then please reach out to me. If you've been affected by someone else's suicide, know that you are not alone in your pain. We aren't meant to do this life alone, so don't try too. God loves us so much and not only desires for a relationship with us but also for us to be brothers and sisters in him. Let's start acting like it, the very best we can.

*If you joke about killing yourself or play off of other people saying you are going to kill yourself but only trying to see if they care, DON'T. Suicide is real. Joking about it or pretending you are going to do it is not cool in any way, shape, or form.*