The bedroom door closes behind me as I let out the loudest, closed mouth sigh my body has ever experienced. I slump to the floor as the tears start running faster than my anxiety is racing.
I don't know the exact reason I am finally breaking down, but I do know that it is always multiple triggers. It's never just one nasty glare from a random person on the street. It's never just one misspoken word out of my mouth from three days prior. It's never just one over-analyzed thought. It's always a combination of those things and likely more.
With all of these triggers then comes the feelings of hopelessness, dread, depression. I flop onto the bed draped in the outfits of the last week and a half, because I've just been too lethargic to at least move the clothes to the closet. Numbness surrounds me. I swiftly feel my purpose slip from between my fingers, thinning and fading to nothing like my waning breath.
I question everything from a joke made by a friend just a month ago to the integrity of said friendship. Do these people I hold close to my heart actually care about my well being? What if they're faking it to spare my feelings? Doubt settles into its home.
*Someone important to you just messaged*
I haphazardly unlock my favorite screen and open the message.
"Hey.", it says. "I just wanted to let you know about the important impact you have."
I then proceed to read the most thoughtful, validating and uplifting message I'd received in years. At an eerily specific time when I needed it most, I'm gifted with kind words that bring me back to the reality that had previously been stolen by my anxiety and depression. I soon finish the five paragraph long message:
"Thank you. I really do appreciate you."
Even though my friends do care about and love me, my brain won't let me believe it sometimes. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence among people, especially people suffering with a mental illness. This person lovingly reminded me that the love and support I have is part of my reality.
Always check on your friends and loved ones. You never know when they need an extra word of encouragement. It just takes a quick check-up or affirmation from people to keep you going in the battle against your mind.
