The honeymoon phase of a relationship always seems like the best. The newness is so, well for lack of a better term, new. It's when you're overly obsessed with your partner and nothing about them annoys you. It's when they seem perfect in every way. It's when there aren't little fights. There's just blissful togetherness.
Yeah, sure, the honeymoon phase is fun. But it's not truly reality. And after some thought, I've decided on a phase I like a lot better.
I call this the comfort phase.
You've been with your partner for months now. You know all their quirks. All the things about them that drive you insane. You've experienced intimacy. You've experienced fights. You've experienced what a real relationship is like.
Whether anyone actually admits it, relationships kind of suck. I tell this to all of my single friends. Of course, like anything, relationships have their positive and negative sides. But the actual effort it takes to be in a healthy, stable, fulfilling relationship is overwhelming.
-It's crying over the stress of not seeing your partner every day.
-It's long car rides so you can spend the night with them.
-It's sacrifices to your time, energy, and friendships.
-It's being confrontational when something just isn't right or something bothers you.
-It's being vulnerable all the damn time.
-It's giving someone your heart and hoping like hell they don't break it.
-It's being the over-emotional one who is so overly in love that they come off as crazy.
-It's thinking of your partner first, and sometimes putting your needs second.
-It's writing long ass messages when you know you've screwed up.
-It's texting them so you can cuddle and talk because you know they can't stay mad at you if you're in their arms.
-It's biting your tongue when you just want to punch them because they irritate the hell out of you sometimes.
-It's holding back your tears because they can't always be there for you.
-It's understanding their boundaries and accepting them for who they are.
-It's laying in bed at night wanting them to be right next to you but realizing that's not reality right now.
-It's praying for the future but also knowing shit happens and they may not always be yours.
-It's trying to get them to let you into their world when they have high walls up. And then getting frustrated when they won't let you in or answer your damn questions.
-It's accepting that no matter how hard you try you two will never be perfect. But you know in your heart, you two are worth it. It's wanting to run away out of fear, but knowing it doesn't get any better than this.
-It's stressing out over not receiving texts back when they just don't feel like being on their phone or are too busy to respond.
But you know... it's also a lot of positive things...
-Like knowing that you have someone on your side at all times.
-Having someone to hold you when you cry or just need to be held.
-Having someone to talk to, who at least tries to understand you.
-It's having someone who can look at you and reassure you that you don't have any flaws. Though you both know you do.
-It's having someone who will reassure you that you're "fucking gorgeous" when you feel like the ugliest person alive.
-It's having someone who helps you grow, whether it be in maturity or in patience.
-It's having someone to hold your hand through the ups and downs.
-It's having someone who'll listen to the things that bother you and let you rant.
-It's stepping back and realizing your life wouldn't be the same without them.
-It's chilling in comfy clothes with messy hair and not caring one bit.
-It's singing your favorite songs while looking into their eyes (or rocking out in bed while you cuddle).
-It's loving the person you're looking at, no matter how they look.
-It's falling for someone's personality and quirks, not just their looks.
-It's cherishing the limited time you have with them because time truly is precious.
-It's fighting for them when they don't have the strength to fight for themselves.
-It's living your life with them in mind, because your life wouldn't feel complete without them.
-It's meeting their family and praying to god they accept you into it.
-It's finding someone who loves you as-is. They know everything about you, and they deal with your shit on the daily, but they still choose to stay.
It's so much more than the honeymoon phase. It's so much more meaningful because you know it's real when the comfort phase sets in.
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2. Chips, apple or bread is probably your most repeated phrase
Not only do you say this all day, but you say it in your sleep. Sometimes you even wonder what Ryan Gosling would choose (chips, definitely). You also silently judged the people who chose apples over bread.
3. Taking bakery items with you out to parties was a must
Nothing beats loading up on cookies and leftover pastries on a weekend night closing shift and showing up to a party with your goodies. Your friends lived for it.
4. Taking bakery items home to your parents was also a must (if you wanted to live)
Your dad texted you to make sure you brought him home at least one Cobblestone muffin. Maybe three.
5. Your friends expected you to give them free stuff
No Jill, I can’t give you a candy cookie right now.
6. Being put on dishes made you question humanity
Have you ever tried to scrape wet, soapy mac and cheese out of a bowl? Not the greatest past time, let me tell you.
7. You saw everyone and their mother (especially their mothers)
Moms LOVE Panera. So do high school kids.
8. Working the opening shift was actually the worst thing to ever happen to you
Even if you only did it once, coming in at 5 am took a toll on your life.
9. Being able to predict what people would order
Group of middle schoolers? Mac and cheese in a bread bowl. Teenage boy? Chipotle Chicken Sandwich. Moms? Fuji Apple Chicken Salad. It’s a gift.
10. Making coffee was your least favorite thing to do
Honestly, carrying those things when they were full was a great arm workout.
11.Being put on the dining room was the absolute WORST
I really don’t want to walk around cleaning tables and putting people’s plates away for them. (FYI, customers are supposed to put those away. Just saying).
12. Secretly putting in your Panera card number when other people didn’t have them or want them.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who did this.
13. You would still come in on days you weren’t working to take advantage of your discount
Let’s face it, you can never get sick of Panera. It just doesn’t happen.
1. Use singular they for people whose pronouns you don't know, people who use those pronouns, and stop using him/her.
One of the most common, and often cluttered, phrases I hear when people try to talk about a person whose gender is unknown is he/she, him/her, (s)he. This is not only clunky and annoying to say, but ignores the fact that not everyone uses those pronouns or identifies as a man or a woman. When you say he/she you're really forgetting part of the population and making a lot of assumptions about people you don't know. This also goes for assuming a stranger's gender -- how someone presents isn't an indication of the gender they are or the pronouns they use. By assuming, you're misgendering someone before you even know them, when it is totally easy to use them, where you are assuming nothing. Singular they has been in use for hundreds of years. Using it will declutter language and create an environment in the world that allows for transgender and non-binary people to not be misgendered.
Source: genderqueerid.com
2. Stop using the words "opposite sex" or "both sexes" or "opposite gender" or "both genders".
Not only is this language erasing of transgender people outside the binary, but it is also erasing intersex people. The idea of the opposite of gender or sex, first of all, makes no sense. There is no opposite when it comes to biology, and since there are more than two sexes and more than two genders, there can be no opposite and no both (both implies two). Replace this language with all sexes or all genders and just get rid of the idea of opposite gender or sex from your mind and vocabulary entirely.
3. Ask people's pronouns when you meet them.
In order to help create a safer environment for trans and non-binary people, asking for pronouns and educating others on why you're asking is an important step. This allows the person to give you the pronouns they want you to use and stops you from assuming their gender, misgendering them and making them uncomfortable and hurt. This is something that is good to normalize is every conversation, not just in LGBTQIA+ spaces or in spaces that you suspect trans and non-binary people might be. Trans and non-binary people are everywhere and the more common asking about pronouns becomes, the less people will be misgendered.
4. Use the word cisgender.
The word cisgender means that you identify with the gender you are assigned at birth. Basically, not transgender or non-binary. Using the word cisgender helps stop the idea that being trans or non-binary is 'abnormal' and that cisgender is the norm. It is a term that has existed for a long time. Using the term cisgender also, as the picture above says, helps to maintain that all gender experiences are valid, and all right rather than abnormal.
5. Stop saying "born a boy/girl" about a transgender or non-binary person.
I can't stress how annoying and upsetting this phrasing is and I hear it all the time by people who claim to be allies and people who are completely ignorant. No one is 'born' anything. Your gender and sex assignment are things that are given to you when you are born. This also is essentially outing trans and non-binary people to people who they don't know, misgenders them, and continues to hold up cis-sexist and transphobic ideas that one is born a gender and that their gender is innate and unchanging. It provides people with unnecessary and personal information about someone's genitals (since that is really what someone is saying when saying born a boy/girl). If someone is saying this, they are telling you the make up of someone's genitals, which is completely unnecessary and invasive. You don't need to mention what someone was assigned at birth.
Source: flavorwire.com
6. Stop using the term 'preferred pronouns'.
While the term is better than not asking at all, it still really isn't a good term. The word preferred implies that these pronouns are wanted, but optional when that is not the case. My pronouns and other transgender people and non-binary people's pronouns are not optional; they are absolutely required. If you want to ask for someone's pronouns just ask 'what pronouns do you use?'. The word preferred isn't needed because it isn't preferred, it's required.
Source: nytimes.com
7. Stop using a transgender or non-binary person's dead name.
The term dead name means someone's name before they changed it (if they changed it). You have no right to use or know that name. It isn't a name the person uses anymore and to use it is disrespectful and violent. Saying things like 'Before Doug was Doug he went by ____" is not okay. Not only does it out someone as transgender or non-binary, it gives someone very personal and unnecessary information. Having a dead name used is hurtful and makes me instantly not trust someone. Do not ask for someone's dead name: there is no need for you to know it; it is not their name. Before you say something like the above example, think about why you're saying it. Is that really relevant to the conversation? Why do you feel the need to share this incredibly personal information that you have no right to share? Plain and simple: don't use someone's dead name. It's disrespectful and cruel.
While this list is only a basic introduction to improving language and making spaces safer, there are plenty more ways and articles that can provide more information and education. Learning and unlearning is a process that is incredibly important to making spaces safer for trans and non-binary people.
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