When it comes to relationships, infidelity is a fear that nearly everyone has, and a monster that nearly everyone is forced to face.
Today, that monster has the power to not only destroy your relationship, but to rob you of your entire sense of self.
Esther Perel, practicing psychotherapist and relationship consultant, questions this common practice in a TED talk on infidelity when she says, “Adultery has existed since marriage was invented and so too the taboo against it…How do we reconcile what is universally forbidden and yet universally practiced?"
The explanation starts at the beginning of man kind. Humans are not instinctually monogamous beings. In other words, as a species, we do not rely on mating with the opposite sex for individual survival. Statistically speaking, this may explain why men cheat primarily in pursuit of sex. They feel an instinctual need to “spread their seed” as a demonstration of dominance, that perhaps no amount of moral training can curb (InfidelityFacts).
In stark contrast to men’s primary goal of physical satisfaction, women have been shown to have a natural urge to grow emotionally (InfidelityFacts). Ironically, many women today find themselves feeling unfulfilled in their traditional position as primary caregiver, which may have a lot to do with the mundane cycle of duties that often come with this role.
The truth is that for many, this role doesn’t translate into sufficient personal growth. This could explain why women usually cheat in search of a new, invigorating emotional connection. (InfidelityFacts).
Another major factor lies in the gender roles that are deeply embedded into the social framework of society. Historically, men literally had the right to cheat and to sexually exploit woman. Many people still practice mormonism, a religion where it is acceptable for men to have emotional and sexual relationships with multiple wives at once (All About Mormonism). Additionally, there are still 9 countries where women can be killed for being unfaithful to their husbands. “The double standard is as old as adultery itself,” said Perel.
With this being said, today, the ideology surrounding infidelity is in a major state of transition. Modern culture is caught in a moral tug-of-war between new feminist ideals and traditional gender roles. It is precisely this ambiguity that makes relationships more vulnerable than ever to being destroyed by infidelity.
Yet something that leaves us even more vulnerable to an affair is the way that our concept of marriage has changed as society has progressed. Perel explains that while marriage used to be an economic enterprise, today it is a romantic arrangement. In other words, while infidelity used to attack ones financial security, today it threatens our emotional security, making the act of an affair far more physiologically damaging than ever before.
She furthers this idea when she says, “We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal." She goes on to say that being in a relationship today comes with the notion that "I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I am to one, and infidelity tells me I am not. It is the ultimate betrayal. It shatters the grand ambition of love.”
Unfortunately, this traumatic destruction of ones sense of self that is onset by an exposed affair is destroying more relationships today than ever before, although there is no proven increase in infidelity.
It is no secret that divorce rates around the world have skyrocketed in the past several decades. About 53% of marriages today in the US end in divorce, with infidelity accounting for many of these separations (Engel). Startlingly, the US was rated number 10 on the list of most divorced countries in the world, with Belgium topping the charts with a stifling 70% divorce rate (Engel).
Yet if infidelity rates have not increased over the years, we must look elsewhere to explain this devastating trend.
To this point, Perel explains that conceptually, divorce used to hold a lot more weight than it does today. In the past, a divorce would mean the crippling of reputation and therefore couples made more of an effort to stay together. In contrast, today we hold independence and the individual pursuit of happiness to a much higher standard. To this idea, Perel furtherd, “Today, choosing to stay when you could leave is the new shame.”
This “new shame” that she speaks of in large accounts for the substantial trauma that infidelity causes today. When an affair is exposed, the victim instantaneously feels the need to end the relationship. Staying is simply “not an option.” Ironically, if one does choose to stay, they are almost immediately assigned a “fool” by friends and family for even considering the possibility of rebuilding the relationship.
Arguably, the intense pressure of this moral of independence-the terrifying realization that you cannot “turn back” while maintaining your dignity- in turn induces as much pain as the act of the affair itself. For the victim, this perceived lack of choice is like a second stab to one who is already dying.
Yet unfortunately for these modern victims, there is another evil at play.
The constant documentation of our lives through the medium of technology makes it nearly impossible for even the most carful of cheaters to cover their tracks completely. Perel comments on this when she says, “today it has never been easier to cheat, yet it has never been harder to keep a secret.” On the flip side, this accessibility can turn a hunch into a devastating disillusionment in a matter of second, as endless platforms of evidence reveal the intimate details of betrayal before the victims eyes. This allows them to construct an excruciatingly vivid and honest depiction of their partner's affair, a story that used to be fabricated by the victims imagination.
These small details of blunt truth are often the biggest obstacles in the process of forgiveness, as they manifest into the collected images of your worst nightmare. This reality lingers long after the initial shock of an affair.
As Perel suggests, affairs in the digital age truly are “death by a thousand cuts.”
