At 2 a.m., it’s hard to see your future through mascara tears. You feel like your very breath has been pulled from your body. You never dreamed it could feel so physical, as if your heart was actually breaking apart. This pain seems endless. I am here to tell you it is not. It will end and it will get better.
I think almost all of us have someone we were never enough for, someone we could never please no matter how hard we tried. I think most of us have had a person who treated us like we didn’t matter, but we couldn’t get enough. We hid disappointment behind fake smiles and made excuses for unanswered calls and cancelled plans. For every five texts you sent, he sent one. The phone vibrates late into the night. You fight yourself and pretend this time you will say no. Then your coat is on and you’re out the door because maybe this time it will be different. You learn quickly midnight promises are harder to keep in the daylight. He lit the match and you apologized for burning.
We chased and chased until our feet bled and our lungs burned. I don’t know why we fight for someone like this. Maybe it’s the challenge, or the twisted idea that boys who are mean actually like us, or maybe we all like the thrill. No matter why, it still hurts when it ends. It still hurts even when it’s the right thing to walk away. I am here to tell you, it will all fade. The way his smile melts the world around you, and the way his mouth drips your name like honey. It will fade.
I promise you have done the right thing. It probably started out fun and spontaneous. Somewhere along the way, it became one sided. Now, you feel rejected and maybe even worthless. Someone’s inability to see your worth in no way lessens it. You are everything you need to be. You deserve the world and you will find it, but not in his arms. This is the hardest part, the very beginning when the wounds are fresh. Dealing with the overwhelming emptiness each day is exhausting, but you owe it to yourself it push through. Get up, get dressed, and go out with your friends who have been begging to see you.
It’s easy to lose yourself trying to be what someone else wants. I lost myself loving someone else, but I found myself, and so can you. One day, his name will appear on your phone, and you will hit delete without a second thought. You will see him, smile politely, and go with your day. His hold on you will weaken more quickly than you can imagine. You are going to be okay. Oh darling, he has no idea what he just lost.
