I won't name names, but many will know who I'm referring to in this article. I don't need to really say anything because many understand. But to you, I need to tell you something because I don't think that what you did has had any real consequence to you.
I hear you're dating somebody new and I am happy for you. When I saw you over Winter break at the mall you didn't recognize me and if you did you didn't say anything, but I recognized you. It took me a few minutes to be really sure that it was you, but it was. You look good. Much better than the skater boy you were in high school and the girl you're dating seems to have a positive influence on you. That's why I almost wasn't sure. You looked like a man with the short hair. The green sweater and jeans. You looked very preppy, very Ivy. That led me to asking myself, why couldn't you look like that back in school?
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This gap year seems to be working for you and I hope that this new girlfriend sticks around and that you don't push her away and that she doesn't become sick of you. This change in you makes me question what I gave up. You chased me for 4 years and I asked myself why. People here at college, that I have told about you say it's because you were really interested in me. I tend to doubt that, but when I hear "4 YEARS!!!" being shouted down the hall in my dorm by one of my friends I start to question.
Let's be honest though. I hated you. Sure, you were cute, attractive, but you had danger arrows pointing at you from every direction. I didn't really know guys like you until I got to high school and I didn't really want to know guys like you. You were danger and I didn't like that in my life.
I wonder if the reason you chased after me was because I turned you down or because I played your game, but I never gave in. Did it make you feel good about yourself? Did it make you feel powerful? You did something to me and it scared me.
For once, I was willing to go against all of my judgement and give you a shot, but I guess it was only because you gave me attention. I wasn't one of those girls who fawned over the bad boy who gave those below you the time of day. But there was something about you and maybe it's because I wanted to go against everyone's expectations or maybe because I thought I could tame you. I always find projects in people and want to fix them. I should have been fixing myself more than others.
Every story has a beginning, I think it's best to start there. It was freshman year, first semester, English class. You sat on one side of the room and I was on the other. We had an assignment one day and so we were broken into groups. That was the first time I had any interaction with you. I didn't like you then. And so, the end of summer passed into fall and it was in November that I remember you got up out of your seat came over to me, got down on one knew with a paper dollar bill ring and asked me to marry you. I only took one glance and said no. I didn't even let you finish. It was fun. I don't think you expected to be turned down. Our teacher had seen it and just looked at you "Like what in the hell." and then she told you to go back to your seat. Nothing else was ever said about it.
Skip to history class second semester and you and I shared that class with quite a few people and I foolishly increased the drama tenfold by bringing up the past semester and what you did. It didn't help that our teacher just let it go on and on. Then you had whatever going on with one of my friends and needless to say I I could care less. The drama surrounding the whole thing just got bigger and bigger. The fact that you made a mosaic with my initials in it was also slightly creepy. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that and not see it as weird, but I do.
Skip forward a year, we're back in the same room with the same teacher and a different subject. I won't bore with the long details, but it was more back and forth flirting and you were dating one of my friends who was in the same class and I didn't get why you were messing with me when she was in the same room. Towards the end of the year something happened and we started "dating" for all of 5 seconds. I was wiggling my way out of dating you by listing off all of my flaws and it worked. Not a minute after announcing to our entire class that we were dating you announced to them we were breaking up. I had never felt so relieved, but there was something in me regretting it too.
And then the last 2 years happened. We competed against one another in ACE matches and whatever we had was still going on. I remember when I first saw you. I was in shock and was like "Why God???" and I wanted to get as far away from you as possible, but it wasn't happening. I competed against your school and I was very happy to never have had to go against you. I was happy when my school beat yours, but your coaching being snarky to me was one thing I didn't get. It wasn't like I broke your heart, so why did she seem to hate me and then i remember my coach and your coach weren't the best of friends.
I went away to college and now I don't have you plaguing over me, but for a while there I had a constant reminder. A guy very similar to you and so I contacted you and you ever responded. I still don't know why I did it, maybe I was drunk or sleep deprived, but I wanted and answer. Now, I know that I don't want one. I liked what we had even if it was twisted in a way.
We had whatever we had and I didn't get it to this day, but we seem to want to hurt one another. I wanted to get your attention, but I didn't want to be tied down by you. I always thought you liked the chase more than the aftermath. But I have to ask, do you think of me? I was finally able to admit to myself and to others that I like you. If you had seen me that day at the mall and you weren't with her, would you have recognized me? Try to get my attention? Or pretend that I didn't exist? I guess we'll never know. I now know though that we're better off. I just want you to know that I'm happy for you and glad that you have someone who seems to be so good for you.
