On June 13, 2014, several of my friends and myself lost an incredible human being. He was taken too soon, but he continues to live on in the hearts of those whose lives he touched (which was many).
Two years ago, I never dealt with the death of my friend. I use the phrase “dealt with” loosely because I don’t think you ever actually deal with the death of a close friend or loved one. I think you evolve. I think your pain can be channeled into different outlets. For me, it’s writing, running and a good solid cry when I need it. For others, it’s music, drawing, yoga, screaming into a pillow, what have you. I think the pain of losing someone you care about and someone who is so indescribably unique and irreplaceable doesn’t actually ever fully go away, you just learn to carry the pain differently. Like I said, you evolve.
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The grief process is simultaneously exhausting and strange. Like anxiety and depression, grief knows no gender, ethnicity, religion, or most importantly, no time frame. For me, the grief process didn’t begin until recently. Up until that, it was just pure and utter confusion.
Delayed grief reaction is a term used to describe a specific type of grief — and yes, there are several types. Delayed grief is exactly how it sounds — you put off grieving for one, ten, twenty years and then the grief surfaces when no longer able to stay buried beneath you and your inner workings.
It makes perfect sense, right? You bury yourself in work, in your relationships with others, in school and in life, all to avoid the typical grief that comes to most immediately following a loss. And that’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately, in our society, we think time amounts to recovery. And as someone who has experienced first hand, this is in fact not the case.
I still grieve. I grieve every day. And I don’t know if that will ever go away, because the truth is, someone is not here who should be in my mind. And right now, as I begin unraveling the grief that’s built up inside of me for the last two years, it’s hard not to get angry, confused, depressed, or anxious. It’s all a process — a long, strenuous one — but rewarding, too.
Being broken is okay. Feeling emotional is okay. Having to take a break from things for a few minutes or hours is okay. Crying is okay. Tucking away emotions, however, just sets us up for a harder grief process in the long run. And on the flip side of things, the best thing we can do for someone experiencing delayed grief is to understand that not everyone deals with grief immediately and then moves right along. People are different and so are emotions. Give them time, even if it has been weeks, months, or years.
Like I said, grieving is an arduous process, but if we look hard enough, there is peace to be found within it.
