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The Gluten Free Russian

Like the White Russian, but less fun...

Mar 21, 2017

How do these two things correlate? Why is this girl always writing about being Russian? Why is everyone gluten free? What even is gluten?

Okay well...

After a couple of months of dealing with some pretty weird allergic reactions, a ton of doctor's visits, and 600 late night calls to my roommate's doctor mom, the culprit was finally unmasked- gluten. Lucky me! While it's cathartic to b*tch about my new allergy, I'm going to spare my friends that have had to endure the rambling for months, and tell a different tale.

I'm trying to find some light in this whole thing, it sucks, I love bread and I was pretty sure bread loved me back until this happened... Some things just aren't meant to be, so while ciabatta and I must stay star-crossed lovers, I'm finding the humor in my new diet (sorry, "way of life").

So that brings me to the Russian element of this article. I'm in Florida right now with my Russian grandma. Being that gluten allergies were completely foreign until recently, she is having trouble grasping the concept of what I can and cannot eat, and I'm finding it incredibly charming and funny. Here are some things she has said to/asked me in the last couple of days:

1. "Here, white bread doesn't have gluten."

No Babushka, unfortunatly it does. Putting kalbasa and butter on it doesn't make it gluten free.

2. "I brought you some cookies and tea."

I have been coming to this Florida apartment for almost 19 years now, and those digestive cookies are a staple. In fact, I'm pretty sure the same box is older than me. Cookies have gluten, babushka.

3. "Why is your bread in the fridge? Why is it so hard?"

Actually, this is a real question I have too, why does gluten free bread (dare I even call it bread) have to be in the fridge? *looking for a friend*

4. "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich? All you eat is salad!"

I'm sorry!!! I get my nutrients from the sun, moon, and stars now grandma.

5. "Are you sure this is a real allergy? Maybe just something your generation made up!"

Maybe it is something we millennials made up... maybe this is stemming from humans never really being meant to process gluten in the first place.. who knows?

I love my grandma dearly, and I appreciate her trying to feed me despite my 3 million allergies, intolerances, and general pickiness towards food. It is the Russian way, and in fact, the grandma way.

Sincerely,

Your neighborhood gluten intolerant gal!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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The Gluten Free Russian

Like the White Russian, but less fun...

1. "Here, white bread doesn't have gluten."

2. "I brought you some cookies and tea."

3. "Why is your bread in the fridge? Why is it so hard?"

4. "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich? All you eat is salad!"

5. "Are you sure this is a real allergy? Maybe just something your generation made up!"

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Sometimes these things are both necessary and inevitable.

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5. Putting all your homework off for the night before it's due just so you can do nothing for a night.

6. Going out on a Thursday night when you have a test the next day.

7. Making impulsive decisions.

8. Write an important paper in one night.

9. Classifying Ramen as your main food group.

10. Going on late night food runs - and I mean really late.

11. Having more than 3 cups of coffee a day.

12. Doing really dumb, irresponsible things when out with your friends.

13. Finishing an entire show on Netflix in less than a week.

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