About a year and a half ago I was going to therapy, not because I wanted to, but because I was required to. I went through some testing come to find out I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD for short). On the outside I refused to believe it, I refused to believe anything was "wrong" with me. I told my adoptive parents I know I don't have PTSD because I was "nothing like my biological mother." I let this refusal get in the way of my process of healing for quite some time until I began to realize that my therapist was right.
I had a lot of flashbacks, to times my step father would hurt either me or my biological mother and as much as it may seem I could just look away and get out of that flashback, it wasn't that easy. My mind wouldn't let me out. I was there all over again, screaming, crying, in pain, there seemed to be no end. I thought that this was going to last forever, the flashbacks. Even though I had physically gotten out of such a terrible situation, my mind was still there and then, so was I.
My flashbacks were never something I talked about, I knew it wasn't normal but I didn't want people to think there was anything wrong with me. I didn't want to be like my biological mother. I didn't want help. I wanted to just be me, without a title or a prefix. I didn't want to be "Avery the girl with PTSD", I just wanted to be Avery.
After months of weekly help from a therapist and opening up to my parents when things began to go downhill, I finally overcame my fear of having a title, of being "Avery with PTSD", I realized that no matter what goes on in my head every once in a while, I was still just Avery. I never thought I would open up on a public platform to tell people about these kinds of things I have replayed in my head for years now, but because I am no longer afraid of being anything other than just Avery, I can open up, and I am no longer afraid of being my biological mother.
I do not let anyone or anything else define me. I do not let the fear of the past define what I will do with my future. Do I still have trouble with my mind putting me in the past every once in a while? Yes, but does that define who I am and what I am going to do? No! I am so much more than a title, so much more than fear, so much more than where I used to be, and because of that I am proud. Proud to be, Avery.
