I love food. All kinds of foods, in fact! You name it, I'll probably eat it. Food has always been a go-to for me, a comfort, if you will, in times where I'm feeling stressed, bored, anxious, or depressed. It's been one of the first things I go to in situations like that. But, let me be the first to say that this is a very unhealthy habit to find yourself in.
"But you're so skinny!"
I've always been the "skinny" girl who can eat an entire pizza and have different girls come up to me and ask "Where does it all go?" or "How do you eat so much, yet stay so skinny?" Well, it hasn't always been this way.
Throughout high school, I found myself in situations that were difficult to handle. I thought my peers were against me and felt the need to look a certain way, just to be accepted. I had the attention of guys, lost it, and instantly thought I needed to change the way that I looked in order for them to like me. Because of this, I started doing what other girls did to "stay skinny" -- stopped eating, or limited myself on how much I ate. This started a very bad, and very dangerous habit of mine.
I started losing weight, and then gained it right back like it was nothing, and no one would even notice. When they would, I simply would smile and think to myself, "Good. Someone noticed me." I would take that as motivation to see just how much more weight I could lose. Taking this bad habit with me to college was a whole other struggle.
Habits have a bad habit of following you wherever you go.
College — you live alone or with a roommate and no one can tell you what you "can" or "can't" eat and when to eat it. With that said, I found myself eating less and less. I eventually got to the point where I would eat one meal a day and no one would even question me. But I had to face the facts: this simply wasn't healthy and something that could potentially make me wind up hospitalized. I found myself sitting in my dorm one day, asking myself how I had gotten to the point where I was at, and why I had let it get the best of me. I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to be accepted and look like "everybody else," which I've come to realize is impossible and a dangerous goal to have set for myself.
I started having an obsession with working out. I would run every day, maybe even twice a day. I also played softball and took every advantage I could to be in the weight room. The combination of my bad eating habits and my new found obsession with perfecting my outward appearance was starting to get the best of me. I was often very tired, moody, and my weight kept fluctuating to new depths. It was not in the least bit healthy.
I'm not one to say no to things, and have a very compassionate, loving heart for people. I found myself piling things up, overwhelming myself with a very long to-do list, and trying to please everyone around me in the process. I was on the softball team, a full time student, worked two jobs, had a boyfriend and friends wanting my constant attention, and then there were those who I felt like i just needed to be there for and would drop everything I was doing just to help out. It was flat out exhausting.
A good friend once told me this,
"It's great to help others, and I'm proud of you for that, but you have to put yourself first sometimes."
This was a very difficult thing for me to hear, but someone had to knock some sense into me. From then on, I became the manager of the softball team (less commitment and more time for school), worked fewer hours at my jobs, stayed on top of my homework, explained to my peers that I just needed some "me" time and that was the start of my recovery.
I'm at the point in my life where I simply do not care what others think of me. It's taken a lot of prayer and support from friends and family to get to where I am today. Sure from time to time, I often wonder if I look "acceptable" or whatever, but be honest with yourself. I'm almost positive you do the same thing. And that's okay (to a certain extent). The point is, you don't have to look a certain way or say certain things for people to accept you. You're you and that's the best part! No one else can top that! If you feel like you need to do so, then my friend, you need to surround yourself with other people because that's not a good way to live.
My challenge to you is this:
1. Eat. Eat whatever you want. Eat a donut or two for me!
2. Surround yourself with good, positive people who will support you through anything.
3. Set healthy goals for yourself (even minor ones) from a day to day basis.
4. Learn to love yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and say 5 things you love about yourself. You will notice a difference if you do it enough.
5. Understand that the way you look does not determine your life's value and worth. You are a beautiful human being inside and out.