For the past few months, I have been slowly reading this book which has changed my perspective on so many prevalent issues in today's society about how men and women (mostly women) are treated by significant others or just pursuers. "The Gift of Fear", written by Gavin De Becker, the nation's leading expert on violent behavior, gives us woman the most important survival signals and techniques that will keep us SAFE and ALIVE.
Between each word in this book, there is a message to be understood. Each story is true, many untold to society. A recent and immensely popular one: The OJ Simpson case. Simpson was convicted for an armed robber and the murdering of his ex-wife, Nicole and her friend, Goldman. In the beginning, after he and Nicole were apart and he was reportedly stalking her, abusing her over nine times with police visits. After Nicole became close with Goldman, he became more dangerous- obviously guilty of murder- but still became one of the biggest cases of all time because of apparent substantial evidence that he did not do it.
I cannot begin to understand or believe why someone would not take into actionable account every piece of evidence that led right to Simpson… it only took people 20 years to start believing that Simpson was guilty and that was, unfortunately, a special case. Sadly, still present in today's society, most women do not account for the protection they need and end up exactly like Nicole.
Believe it or not, there are thousands of cases like this every day. Some more serious than others, but a lot become more dangerous. Men become unwanted visitors and women become victims.
STOPBy otografierende on Pexels.com
When a woman or anyone for that matter says no, IT. MEANS. NO.
A lot of people like this do not believe that no is an acceptable answer so they continue to pursue further. In the beginning of the book, they give you a real account of a woman who was put into a dangerous situation with a man who would not take no as an answer when he asked her if she needed help carrying her groceries to her apartment. Reluctantly, after asking her several times (RED FLAG), she agreed to take his offer; not wanting to distrust everybody she comes across. After letting him near and into her apartment, she had been raped, threatened and held at gunpoint. Only until after he was finished and getting dressed, and take note that he told her he would not kill her but to stay where she was and he would be right back, she knew he would continue his mission as he stepped into the kitchen. Following her own intuition, she slowly began escaping this man by quietly getting through her apartment door to the neighbors next door- careful to be quiet; taking protection and locking their door because of this strange man who was going to murder her.
Becker gives some of the most valuable information you could ever learn when in need of protecting yourself. How to avoid dangerous situations, how to recognize when your safety is compromised, what to do and where to go when you have been abused, attacked or threatened because it is serious and every threat should be taken into account.
One really important piece of information that I hold very dear to my mind is that there are always signs. The victim may not see them, but they are there- especially if the perpetrator has pursued them in a violent way. I have also learned that sometimes TRO's (restraining orders) rarely help the case, but in fact make it more dangerous.
Woman in distressPhoto by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com
There is so much information accounted for in this book, it is hard to even know what to touch on because it's all extremely acceptable and real. Each story I read in this book proves just how often these dangerous men pursue women when not given what they want. It's a loss of control and a loss of identity that these men cannot handle. I highly recommend everybody reads this book. You become more aware of your surroundings, more aware of the people that you have relationships with and you gain more self-respect for yourself. Reading this book will help to understand what you truly deserve. The trust, the amenability that must be taken into account when perusing people or when they pursue you, ensuring that you will never be hurt, you will never be threatened and you can live WITHOUT FEAR.
Recently I have learned, by multiple people I know, that they or someone in their life has been abused by the significant other in their life. In one case, the victim got away from their abuser and have given themselves a reasonably safe distance, considered there are children involved. In the other case, it has been left untouched. The victim was pursued after being physically abused by their significant other. After being asked if they needed help, at first requesting it, then soon after refusing for any further help. They claimed it was "a mistake" and it "wouldn't happen again" but those are the familiar words of someone who is unwilling to admit to the dangers in front of them. They are too invested in the relationship to see how unsafe they are or maybe they are afraid of what the enforcer may do it they attempt to step away; stalk them, threaten them, continue to pursue them or worse, kill them.
If you're asking, "They love me, so why are they acting like this?" or telling yourself, "That's just how they are. I'm used to it." Then you are not putting yourself or anybody around you in a healthy environment. You may believe they will change but most of the time, people do not change; and not instantly for that matter.
Abuse is not love. Love is not abuse.Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash
Please read this book! Recommend it to everybody you know. IT CAN SAVE A LIFE. In fact, IT HAS. Mine. I didn't realize it and even after I had been told time after time, it was only me who could save myself. After getting away from them, I have realized there were so many red flags and things that could have happened to me, worse than it had already seemed to be. Now, I feel I am a very lucky person, beginning to be better and care about my own self more.
REMEMBER: The only person that can change your own life, truly protect yourself, is YOU and ONLY YOU. Love yourself and always account for yourself. Your life is the most important thing to you and only you. When you have no ability to feel safe when around someone else, make sure you STAY AWAY and DO NOT CONTACT THEM.
