It was a Tuesday, the 22nd of April. Marcie was sitting on a swing at the park waiting for her friend, Allan. He’d been telling her for the past 7 years that on her 20th birthday he would take her camping since she had never been and, as he predicted, her twentieth birthday approached and she still hadn't gone camping. She checked her phone for the time. 5:24. He wasn't very late yet as he said 5:15, but bugs were already out and all over her.

For the next 15 minutes, she sat and waited until she finally saw his silhouette appear down the road. Marcie gathered up her things and started walking in his direction when her phone lit up. There was a text that was dated two weeks prior that was apparently from Allan.

“I'm sorry Marcie. I know I should have told you sooner. I just wanted things to feel as normal as possible for a little while longer.”

She looked up in complete shock, not remembering this particular text. She glanced over in Allan's direction hoping for an explanation when he came closer, but she only looked up in time to see his silhouette crumble away like ashes.

With this, Marcie woke up. She sat bolt upright and looked around her room in a daze. The calendar read Friday the 11th. She brushed off the bizarre dream and headed downstairs. Her mother was there to greet her at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes giving away that she had been crying. As Marcie drew closer, her mother spoke.

“So, um, are you planning on visiting him in case he wants to go through with it?” She cleared her throat. “Allan’s mom said the doctors weren’t being very optimistic with their diagnoses. What he has, it’s not a very...fixable thing.” Her mother’s shoulders began to shake as Marcie stood there shaking her head.

“No. He’s fine. We were going to go camping in 10 days. He wouldn’t have planned it all out if he were this bad. He has to be fine.”

“I know you want to believe that honey but,” her mom sighed. “I still think it would be best if you visit him. He’s just over in the Bay Area Hospital if you-”

“No, he’s fine. I know he is. He would have told me!”

Marcie grabbed a jacket and ran outside to get her bike. As she pedaled, she felt her heart beating and noticed the tears streaming down the side of her face, though she didn’t remember starting to cry. When she finally got to Allan’s house, she threw her bike aside and ran into the seemingly empty home. Regardless, she went up the stairs anyway thinking there had to be an explanation.

When she got up the stairs, she noticed the door to his bedroom was slightly open. She peeked her head in, hoping he was in there. What she saw made her stumble backward in shock. Her friend's room, once messy and filled with various trophies and posters, was now a bland and empty room like those in any hospital. She gasped when she saw the figure lying motionless in the bed. As she walked closer to Allan, she noticed that he had a notebook sitting on his dresser. The note had been addressed to her, so she sat next to him on the bed and read through the things her friend hadn’t wanted to say out loud.

“Marcie, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this sooner. I wanted things to stay the

same for as long as I could, but you don’t deserve to find out like this. I don’t

know if I want you to see me at the hospital, I look like trash, but it would be

nice to see you before something happens. I’m forever sorry. — Allan”

As she was reading she fell to her knees. How could he do this to her? Did he not trust her enough? She would tell him anything if it was bothering her. Why wasn’t he comfortable enough to do the same? As Marcie stood she could feel herself shaking. She couldn’t explain why she was so furious, but it just didn’t make any sense. He should have told her.

She turned to leave the room but standing in the doorway was Allan, perfectly healthy and in normal clothes rather than a hospital gown. She turned back to the room which had now returned to normal and held no sign of a sick Allan. She turned to face him and he smiled at her dejectedly. Before he could speak, however, Marcie began shouting.

“How could you just act like everything was fine? When did you want me to find out, when your mom told me about the funeral? Allan, we’ve been best friends for years. We were supposed to tell each other everything. I don’t know what to think anymore.” Marcie, although still furious, suddenly felt herself go cold.

“I know it was a mistake. I thought that if I had one part of my life that didn’t revolve around the diagnosis then part of me would still be fine. I know it was selfish. Please Marcie. Please don’t hate me.” Allan held out his arms, hoping she would walk into them like she always had.

“How long have you all known? How long have you been sick?” Marcie looked at him, though this time not out of spite.

“We found out about a month ago. My mom just thought I was getting migraines. You know as well as I do that that just happens to my family. So she didn’t think anything of it. Then a few weeks later my vision started getting blurry, even when I had my glasses on. Marcie, I was so scared. My mom tried to make it seem alright and so we went to the eye doctor sometime that week. Maybe the headaches were because my vision was getting worse. But while we were waiting I just, I don’t know it felt like I slipped out of reality and then I came to and the optometrist and a bunch of other people were just standing over me. They all looked really worried but I just tried to play it off. Obviously, that didn’t work and they sent my mom and I to Bay Area to see just what was going on because apparently, those things don’t equal something good.” By now his voice was shaking and Marcie finally gave in and walked into his hug. “I’ll be okay Marcie. One way or another, I’ll be alright.”

Marcie once again woke up, this time, tears were streaming down her face. She looked across to the calendar. March 12th. Something was definitely wrong, but she didn’t know what. She called Allan and he answered in his normal, upbeat voice.

“Okay, I know it’s early but what are you doing right now?” Marcie tried to hold her voice steady, but she wasn’t sure of her success.

“Mom and I are about to go to the eye doctor. Why? Whatcha need?”

“I just wanted to know if we could hang out sometime this weekend. I heard Tears of the Sun was pretty intense.” Marcie bit her thumb. She didn’t want to think about what was going to happen in that waiting room.

“Sure! I’ve been wanting to see that movie since Eric started talking about it.”

“Okay, awesome! I’ll let you know about times if I find out.”

After saying goodbyes, Marcie curled onto her bed. Although she knew the answers to her many questions, she couldn’t help but keep asking them. If she would have been more aware of him maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad. What if all this time he was having those seizures and she just thought he was daydreaming? Finally, she went down to talk to her mom.

“Hey honey, what’s wrong?” Her mother asked, obviously worried.

Marcie started off in an unsteady voice. “Mom, what if Allan got sick? Like really sick. I don’t know what I’m asking. Would there be anything I could do? Like. I want to stop it. Not just...help it suck less. I just want him to be okay.”

“I’m sure he’s just fine. He’s a strong kid. Even if something did happen then I’m sure he would make it.”

“What if I were nicer to him though? We’ve always been so terrible to each other. Even if it was jokingly. What if I bought him unhealthy food and that made him sick or made something go wrong? What did I do? Mom, why can’t I make this better?”

She broke down crying, leaving her mom confused and hurt in her own way. They heard the phone ring and Marcie went stiff. Her mother kissed her on the forehead and went to answer the phone. Marcie stood completely still, her arms crossed and her gaze unfocused. Her mother’s voice from the kitchen sounded short and hushed, but Marcie paid no attention. Her mother came back into the room, still holding the phone. She tried to hide the worry, but Marcie knew.

“Isn’t there anything I can do to make him better? I’d do anything. I will.” Marcie begged her mother.

A new wave of tears came over her as she collapsed into her mother’s waiting arms. They spent the rest of the morning talking through how she had known and what they were going to do. His mother said they didn’t know much yet, but the way the doctors sounded, it wasn’t the best of news. No matter what her mother said, Marcie tried desperately to think of some way to help.

“I just- maybe if I’m nicer now, things will turn out alright. Or maybe if I go spend time with him, it won’t hurt him so bad. I can’t live without him, mom. I have to figure something out.”

Marcie sobs into her mom’s shoulder, but then she feels her mother go still. Marcie looked around the room and sees that the world around her had seemingly frozen in place. She dried her tears and stood up, but as she did she felt herself falling into a hole, spiraling downward into the unknown. When she finally hit the ground, she saw nothing. There was a chill in the air that made her shiver as she got to her feet.

As she walked, hoping to get a grasp on her surroundings, she felt her feet grow heavy and her heart felt as though it was slowed down. The chill she originally felt finally had her fully engulfed and shaking. The new sense of cold felt as though she was standing there, empty and drained of blood. Marcie couldn’t shake this feeling and couldn’t seem to warm up. She just felt tired, to the point that the weight of her feet was almost too much for her. She could hear her mother’s voice, though, and Allan’s laugh. Both made her want to keep walking, but both also made her want to collapse on herself and lay there. The further she walked, the heavier this invisible weight felt, until suddenly her legs folded beneath her and she felt warm again.

Standing there by his headstone, Marcie realized that the warmth of the sun was finally back. She knelt down, and even though tears were still rolling down her cheeks, she smiled for the first time since she found out about her friend’s fate. She smiled knowing that he would be there with her, guiding her and helping her through the many struggles called life. As the sun began to set, she laid down beside the mound of dirt, not really at peace, but knowing that the hardest part was finally over.

When she closed her eyes, she heard her friend’s voice, something he had told her years ago when she had lost her dog:

“There’s a lot to grief. There’s regret and anger and denial and sadness, but there’s also a bit of happiness there in the end. Even though you feel like everything is over, that there is no more tomorrow to be had with them, just remember them. That way they can always be with you. No matter what.”

She laughed, thinking how maybe there was always one last stage in the grieving process, one that no one truly got over. No matter how long it takes you to get over your grief, you will always remember them, and in a way, it will always feel like there is more grieving to be done.