To the friend I lost along the way,

We had been friends for twelve years. We met in middle school. We told each other we'd be friends forever and used "besties for the resties" as the hashtag on all our pictures. We grew up together, graduated high school together, whispered about our secret crushes and dreamed about our futures. You were my best friend and then...you were nothing.

When we started to drift apart, I realized it was happening but I simply chalked it up to growing up. We had different paths we were running down and we were slowly getting to a point where I felt we were fine, just busy. We would have lunch, meet up for birthdays, go to movies and text. But when I wouldn't answer your texts, couldn't go out because I had to work or had plans with other people, you assumed I didn't care about you anymore. It really came to a boiling point when I started seeing him. You hated him, thought he wasn't good enough for me and could never once just be happy that I was happy. You had to tell me all his downfalls, and you were never shy about it.

Then it happened, you dropped the ultimatum bomb on me. You told me I wasn't a good friend. You said I didn't care. You said my relationship wasn't real and that I was only with him because I was lonely and I needed to leave him. You said, "I don't want it to be this way, but you need to choose between me or him." I couldn't believe what had just happened. I left crying and confused as to how someone who supposedly loved me so much could also hurt me so much. I thought we were fine. Did I miss something? Were we really that broken? Had we actually lost each other along the way?

My mom had told me that it's natural to lose friends as you grow up. Your plans change, you change and life develops into something you never imagined. But, even with all the possibility for growth and change I never thought we would get to this moment, that we would have this fight. I imagined you cheering me on as I walked at my graduation, crying as I drove off to graduate school, standing beside me on my wedding day, spoiling my kids and racing down the hall in our wheelchairs at the retirement home.

Instead, you decided to make me choose between two of the most important people in my life, something I would've never asked of you. You had been going through so much: you had just decided to change your major and transfer back to Murray (your parents weren't all that thrilled with that idea), you weren't working and you were struggling overall. I was there to pick you up, dust you off and kick you into gear. Instead of accepting my busy schedule and the bigger things going on in my life, like I did yours, you decided to make it about you. I'm not with the guy I'm with because I'm lonely. I'm with him because he makes me happy. I wasn't ignoring you or decided to simply not care about you anymore. I don't always have time to text you 24/7 or hang out with you because I'm a senior in college who also has a job. I have a life that doesn't revolve around you and our friendship and of all the people pulling at me, I thought you would've understood.

I waited a while to finally talk to you about my decision because I wasn't sure if after everything you had said to me I still wanted you in my life. But I realized that we had fights before and throwing away years of friendship over a little miscommunication was pointless. I told you I wasn't going to choose between either of you. I understood that I had failed on some points as a friend, but I couldn't help that I had a busy life and had to prioritize things. If that meant putting you second or third, I apologize but I thought you would understand. I told you I was still willing to work on our friendship, but that I wasn't going to pick between two people I cared about. You didn't like that and that's when the silence started, the awkward moments when I would see you with our other friends and I didn't know what to say to you. I was so mad that someone who said they would always be there for me no matter what lied.

Yet, even with all the awkward moments and simply ignoring of each other, you were still my friend. But it only took one moment for that to change. One moment for me to realize 12 years of memories, laughter, tears and love had disappeared. No matter what we were going through when we were younger, you never let anyone hurt me. You always stood up for me, defended me, fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. You always did...until now. You sat, watched and even smirked when one of our friends berated me, yelled at me and even threatened me. You didn't even make an effort to defend me or tell her to stop. You just let it happen. You watched from the peanut gallery in silence. After it was all said and done, I didn't even care about what had happened with her; I cared when I realized that you no longer did.

Some time has passed. We don't talk anymore. We have unfollowed, unfriended and even blocked each other on social media. Our friends don't know how to talk about the other without making things awkward, but I let it slide and move on. You hurt me, you disappointed me, you frustrated me and drove me to even hate you at one point. Yet when someone talks about purple toad wine, I see an old Honda Civic on the road or even if I drive through our hometown, I still think of you, see your face, hear your laugh, miss you. I wish it never happened. I wish you were still in my life, but we are at opposing points in our life. We made an impact on each other's lives, we made a difference and we will always know what it means to have loved and lost.