I would have never thought this would be something I would write in my life. I never thought that I would be in this position to always ask myself, "Why? What went wrong? What did I not notice? Could I have done something?" We went to school together for many years and I would have never seen it coming. I think often about our last encounter and try to remember every detail of it. You seemed perfectly fine but I remind myself that even those who seem happiest, suffer the most. I'm upset it had to be you. There will be days where you will come across my mind and I will ask myself, "why?" and I will wonder.

To you, my friend, I say:

I am sorry.

It's not just me, but everyone else that shared life with you. I am sorry that I could not be the person to change your mind or save you from what led you to this. I am sorry that there was a pain inside of you that haunted you and took you from us. I am sorry.

You are loved.

No matter what you or your mind said, you were and are always loved. There is not a single person in this world, whose life you didn't touch in the most meaningful of ways. Your humor and kindness rewarded you with never-ending love. Your family, your friends and your coworkers have some kind of love for you. And if there are three words that I would say to you, they would be these: You are loved.

It was not you.

It wasn't. Whether you blamed yourself or not, it wasn't you. Life has its way of unfolding itself and sometimes, the struggles it brings leads us to blame ourselves. But in time of doubt, you should have always remembered that it wasn't you. It was life and you deserved to live the fullest of it (and I know you did).

Lastly,

I hope you have found peace.

There is a quote that says, "We all carry these things inside us that no one else can see. These hold us down like anchors and drown us out at sea." And right now, all I can say is I hope you have been set free from the anchor that tied you down. I hope you are swimming in an ocean of infinite peace, with nothing to hold you back or pull you down. Even though you are no longer here, I hope you have found the peace you longed for in times of sadness, hopelessness and anger.

In Loving Memory of Max Guy Kaufman (1997-2016)