In one of my summer psychology classes we are learning about the Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who dissected grief into a simple five-step process. She believed that when you lose something or someone who meant a lot to you, it is claimed you go through these five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The thing that I think she forgot to mention is the thing that most people seem to forget; the grief never ends, you just learn to deal with it. You can’t ever forget a loved one who passed away, or a first love, but you can let go eventually, continue on with your life and heal. I believe this wholeheartedly though I honestly wish there was a magic spell or medicine you could take to forget all that hurt and move on, but that of course would be too easy.

I know grief after loss, I know it rather well. It consumes you and covers you like a blanket and slowly wraps around you until you can't breathe. Eventually, you get out of it's grasp and right when you get back on your feet, it steps in front of you, trips you and then follows you around. You can't run from it because it continues to haunt you when you sleep and sneak it's way into your dreams. You just can't forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

I would love to know how this psychiatrist believed that grief was an easy five-step process that you can follow and then simply get over all the pain. Because I think it is anything but simple. You start by stumbling over an old photo with them, or a song that used to ignite a flame inside you that made you all bubbly and lovey-dovey because of this person. And now you hear it and turn it off because it creates knots in your stomach that make it hard to breathe, or you close that photo-album because seeing their face brings you back to that good time that is now just a memory. The five stages of grief are bullsh*t. You never stop missing people. You just forget you’re missing them because your life changes, and the reminders of them become less frequent.

Though you slowly learn to deal with it, the pain is still there. It's very much there and burning into your soul slowly, so slowly that you may even get used to it and forget it's there. But no amount of time or logic can change that. Whether it’s an ex who broke your heart or a friend or close family member who died, I’m sorry to say but the stages don’t heal you. You will carry that grief with you, and it will change you for the rest of your life, it will make you stronger in fact. For there reasons, I believe that grief is not your enemy. Your rejection of grief is. Too many times, we try to hide from our deep emotions and try to make a shield to protect ourselves from them. But too many times, this is the wrong thing to do. We are only hurting ourselves more by continuing to ignore our hurt. Let the emptiness take you over, feel it deep inside you, learn to deal with it because in the end it will change you, but it will change you for the better.

Denial. What a scary word that we are all so familiar with. I have lost people in my life that I thought I couldn't live without. I lost my best friend growing up when I was 12, that pain is something I never wish upon anyone. But never once did I deny the fact that he was gone. I told myself he was no longer in pain, and I knew I had the world's sweetest guardian angel now.
I have had loves who have given up on me, hurt me and bent me in so many ways that honestly still effect me today. I live with the pain of not being good enough, of not being enough for them, it makes me insecure honestly. But I know I'm good enough, hell I'm f***ing too good for them and this thought has made me a stronger person too. I never once denied the fact that they left me, I just learned that I deserve better and I moved on. Unfortunately for me, this stage is utter shit because if I could deny it, then I would have been blissfully ignorant for a short period of time. This doesn’t mean I haven’t found happiness, but I have always been aware of the pain I feel — and still feel now — from the absence of their presences in my life, yes. But I have learned so many great lessons from these losses.

Anger. This one isn't so wrong. I was angry then and I am still angry now. I am angry I gave away parts of my heart to people who, in one way or another, left with those pieces I gave them. I slowly gave little pieces of me away to guys who did not deserve to have those pieces. Now, I am angry there’s almost nothing of my heart left to give away to someone who is going to appreciate it one day.

I am angry to whoever created this world and created death, and took my best friend from me. I am angry that they took the man who promised to dance with me at my wedding, who read me happy stories before bed so I would only have happy dreams, who promised he would never let a boy hurt me. Because without him to warn me of these guys, I have become hurt, I have been drained of everything I have because he was taken from me and I am here still. And I am changed because I let these boys hurt me, they took something from me that I will never get back.

Bargaining. I think this is some BS. I admit to naïvely trusting other people to love me as much as I do them, but that is no one's fault but my own. There are some sh*tty people out there who do not have the same heart as some of us. Although I have been far too trusting, I have never been stupid enough to believe I could actually make it true. Life ain't stopping for no one, it's going to happen and it is going to kick your *ss. All and all, You need to be realistic enough to accept you can’t change that, that is common sense not bargaining.

Depression. I wouldn’t characterize depression as a stage of anything actually. Depression is depression. It doesn't come as a stage in your life. It serves as a haunting reminder of your grief and you can become depressed at any given moment when you're reminded of something you have lost. It's been a friend of mine a lot in my life, that sadness that makes you unable to move or concentrate on any daily occurrence because your mind can't stop reminding you of what is making you upset. It’s supposed to be something you feel and conquer, but in your own time. People may try to dull their depression through medication, pain or drugs, which is a personal preference I know. But depression exists because pain exists, and pain is always going to exist and I don't want to medicate myself to not feel pain, because pain teaches us to get strong, pain is real.

Acceptance. I don't know how I feel about this one. In some ways, I believe acceptance is important in moving on. Kind of the opposite of denial I guess. I have accepted the fact that I have loved, and I have lost. I have accepted the fact also, that with the love I have given and lost, I have grown. I have learned that some people simply are not worth your time. The ones who are worth your time and effort will make it known that they want to be in your life. I basically set myself up for a downfall because I forced my ex into a relationship. I constantly put in the time and effort, I was first to say I love you and he told me to not say it so much. Like who the fuck does that, I loved so deeply and somehow now I look back at it and I set myself up for failure. Because I care, because I love as hard as I can and I guess I have accepted the fact that not everyone out there is the same as me.

I have accepted that God only takes the best, and he took someone who blessed my life with joy and so many wonderful memories. But it has made me stronger, the effort and time I put into my work for my future, and others is all because of him. Losing him as taught me to live each day and make him proud, so all I do I do with love.

You should not spend your life huddled in a corner feeling hopeless, but you need to know it’s okay to feel the way you do. It is valid. It is growing, learning, getting stronger. You are allowed to hurt, cry and miss someone who once meant a great deal to you, but do not let it consume your life forever. You are always going to feel some pain when memories are brought up, it will never go away. I have lost so much, time and time again. But what I need to say in lieu of all of this is this: despite it, I have been loved. I have felt love in full force, with all its ups and downs and glory. So aside from the pain that guys have caused me, I will thank them for loving me and showing me what a first love, and a true love is. I have been blessed to be touched by another human who has changed me to the core. But also want to thank them for the lessons I have learned. Life goes on with or without them, I have become more independent and aware of my self-worth.

I have honestly found healthy ways to still carry my grief with me while moving forward in my life and making my life what I have always wanted. You need to know you can do the same thing when you’re ready.