When someone shows interest in me, it often takes me by surprise. It's not that I lack confidence, no, that's not it. I know very well that I am nothing less than a catch. But with the number of bad experiences I've had with men, scratch that-- boys this year, I've begun to wonder whether the ideal guy, really exists? From inconsiderate, to straight up disrespectful, I've had many unpleasant encounters with the whole spectrum of shitty males.
Of course, we must take everything with a grain of salt because no one is perfect. Believe it or not, the people you continue to keep in your life, you have subconsciously chosen to accept their flaws along with their good qualities.
But what I really wanted to talk about right now is the fear of acceptance and everything it entails. Recently, I had the weirdest feeling in the world, and it seemed to be completely unwarranted. When you meet someone new, you fear the possibility of a connection. You start to think of all the things that could go wrong before you even consider any of the things that could potentially go well. Your head imagines the worst possible case scenario, "how many ways can this person fuck me over?"
I used to confuse my naivety with optimism, but nonetheless, I was much more open to things before. Now, after having had nothing go my way for the past few years, I lost some of my faith in the world, in people, in something bigger than myself. I started expecting things to just go wrong before they could even get going.
When you're scared of acceptance, you let your negativity take over. So, even if someone is being amazing to you, you'll question why-- again, and again, until you talk yourself out of it. Anxiety has always gotten in the way of anything good that has ever come my way, but this fear just seemed illogical, yet inevitable. We need to remind ourselves to just let it be, to let things happen the way they will happen. If something good is happening, if you feel suspiciously happy, don't question it, but let yourself enjoy it!
When life's been a roller coaster, it can be hard to process things because your brain may quite literally be fried. But in a world where what goes up must come down, and good things run scarce, I find it best to hold on to them when they do come my way. A depressing, yet comforting sentiment.
Another thing I find myself doing is playing it safe. And in that, I lose myself. I find myself holding back, censoring myself. I forget who I am for a moment, and in turn, am unable to truly express all the colorful parts of my personality. It's easier to hold on to the particulars of a situation, as you may expect things to always go a certain way. But in these instances, try and take a chance. New isn't always necessarily negative. Sometimes, if you have an impulse, you should try seeing it through.
So, just take a deep breath, and enjoy the simple things in life. Not everything needs to be complicated. Sometimes, you just have to take things as they are, and go with the flow. You are who you are. And if someone is accepting you for who you are, then maybe it's time that you do too.
Keep breathing.
Love,
T
