My scars do not define who I was or who I will become. My scars do not define where I have been or where I will go.
If you saw me through the outside you would see a bubbly, carefree, outgoing, and down-to-earth girl. However, you wouldn't notice that I am a person in pain who takes anti-depressant and anxiety medication. I constantly question what my meaning of life is and if the people around me truly care and love me.
I wasn't always this way on the inside until January 15, 2010 when I first self-harmed myself. To this day, I don't recall the reasoning for taking the razor to my wrist-- all I knew at that moment was I thought it was the only way to make me feel better. Blood. I watched as the skin on my wrist and side arm got sliced, the way my legs would after shaving them with little or no shaving cream. Blood. I watched as the blood slowly started to come out of my broken skin and onto my legs. I thought to myself, "This hurts, this really hurts. How am I going to explain this to my parents when they ask what had happened?" It was extremely noticeable what I had done and I knew that if they saw it, they would instantly know. So I cleaned my blood off slowly and softly with a rag. I remember it hurting. I put a bunch of Silly Bandz, friendship bracelets, and jelly bracelets on to try to cover up what I had done-- I had bracelets lined up along my left wrist and up my right arm. Besides the bracelets, the only thing that covered up my harm were long sleeves and hoodies.
When I turned 18, I got a tattoo on my left wrist where my once self-harmed cuts were. They weren't a sign of weakness, but a sign of pain and a sign of hope from there on out. I wanted my first tattoo to mean something and it did. I had gotten my grandmother's signature from one of my old birthday cards tattooed on my left wrist for a purpose. The scars from middle school had faded, but the pain that they caused were and will be forever there. I put her signature there to show me that even through the pain, even through the hate, and even through the times when I feel as though I could die that she is there. She passed away when I was younger due to cancer and I know that if she were still here, she would think that it is absurd that I have the feelings that I do because of the extreme amount of love around me from my family and friends. My tattoo is a reminder that even though the scars didn't stay permanently the way that the tattoo will, they'll always be there-- it makes me stronger.
The older I got, the happier I had felt. The first incident was my last until January 2016, of my freshman year of college. The years between that, though, were some of the best. I didn't feel sad, numb, or crazy like the way I had used to feel. This all changed when my sadness and anxiety came back.
It came back in waves and then, during Christmas time, it seemed as though it hit me at once. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I wasn't happy, and I didn't feel like living was necessary.
In January of 2016, I wasn't the victim of sexual assault but I experienced things that would have led up to it. This night will haunt me forever until my dying day. This night took away the trust I have for the male population. It gave me a fear of being alone during the night. And it gave me the constant reminder that I shouldn't take that shot of alcohol because who knows what could happen. I woke up the next morning not remembering what had happened besides the fact that I had my best friend in my dorm room telling me the specific details of the screams and cries I had in the middle of the night-- he told me that all I wanted to do was kill myself. I began to self-harm again because it seemed as though it was the only thing to make me feel better, going back to my wrists and forearm-- burning them and cutting them. The fact that something can happen to you when you never expected it too all because of one party on a Saturday night baffles me to this day. It took me months after to look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted-- it wasn't my fault, but I constantly blamed myself.
I self-harmed a handful of times after this because the smallest things shut me down; my anxiety and depression took over. I had anxiety towards the fact that whenever I might go out to another party again, someone might try something. I always reminded myself never to wander off alone and whenever a boy tried to dance with me, I found myself explaining to them that I had a boyfriend (which wasn't true) because I felt as though it was the only way to keep them away. I couldn't look at guys, I had to remind myself to eat, and I found myself becoming weak.
Finally, about July, I became stronger, healthier, and happier-- six months after.
On October 19, 2016 I got another tattoo that would mean more to me than anything in this world. Just like the first, the placement of this tattoo was chosen to cover up my left forearm scars. I didn't choose to get these tattoos to cover up "my past" or the "dumb choices I made". These tattoos represent something to me. The first incident, heartbreak, stress, what happened in January, and all the negative things that have changed me; ultimately, helped to mold me into the person I am today, and have had an impact on the tattoo I chose to get.
My fourth and favorite tattoo represents the chemical symbol for serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that plays an extremely important role in controlling emotions, moods, and happiness. While it can be a positive thing, it also has the highest influence on depression, sadness, and anxiety. Although I have not shared with many people, I suffer from mental illnesses including anxiety and depression, which is my reasoning behind this article--for my voice to be heard and my demons to be let out. My mental illnesses took a large toll on me in the past months, but it has pushed me to get a tattoo to remind me that I am more than what society labels me as. Since I lack serotonin on the inside, I now have it on the outside always. As well as the serotonin symbol, I also included both of my parents initials and a cross because my parents are my biggest support system when it comes time to facing my toughest battles-- my mental illnesses and myself. The semi-colon represents the fact that my story isn't over, no matter what. God grants me the gift of life every single morning when I wake up and I know He will push me through the hardships. This tattoo is my daily reminder to create my own happiness when my body cannot produce it for me.
Sometimes I picture what life would be like if I wasn't here, but this is the God honest truth: it wouldn't be the same. My smile wouldn't light up the room when I walk into my house after coming home to visit my family. My name wouldn't slip off of someone's tongue without crying if I wasn't here. My parents wouldn't get to watch me graduate college, marry the love of my life, or have children. My siblings would no longer have someone to look up to. My friends wouldn't be able to go to me for advice even when I am bitchy and brutally honest. God created me perfect whether I am depressed or not-- He loves me as well as my family and friends. The pain I sometimes feel will never compare to the pain I would put others through if I left this world-- to me that will never be worth it. Not every day is the best day of my life, but it's a new day where I decided that life has more to it than being sad. It's a day I decided to get out of bed and have the best day that I can.
Who I was in middle school and high school doesn't matter.
Who I was back in January doesn't matter.
Who I was yesterday doesn't matter.
Who I am today matters.
The fault in my mental illnesses has shaped me into who I am right now.
The fault in my choices has shaped me into who I am right now.
The fault in my beliefs has shaped me into who I am right now.
The fault in my scars has shaped me into who I am right now.
Depression me is still bubbly, carefree, outgoing, and down-to-earth me.
Please remember that no matter what you may feel, you are never alone. If you ever feel as though you are not enough and that life would be better without you, call this number: 1-800-273-8255. They helped me and they will help you too.
