A friend recently told me she was having the healthiest sexual relationship of her life because she and her partner had agreed that orgasm wasn’t the ultimate goal.
They were having sex to enjoy each other, and the orgasm was a byproduct of that. They expanded their definition of what could be deemed satisfying and therefore were happier and more comfortable with one another.
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Many sexual problems can be avoided by finding this comfortability with one’s sexual partner. A commonly read book from the 70’s, " The Joy of Sex" as well as many medical sources, claim that premature ejaculation and temporary erectile dysfunction are among the most common sexual hurdles to overcome, and are due to nervousness “over how well he will perform.”
Indeed, setting a goal other than, mind-blowing orgasm every time, can do a lot to calm the nerves and often has the effect of aiming lower and achieving higher. Although the phrase, aiming lower, is misleading since a wide variety of different orgasmic sensations that are unique, worthwhile, and diverge somewhat from the climax-orgasm can be achieved this way.
During my readings, a section of "The Joy of Sex" called “Relaxation,” fascinated me because it described an orgasmic experience achieved by a quite unconventional method.
“[Y]ou can go on to complete ‘motionless’ coitus. It won’t of course initially be entirely motionless, but try, after the first round of gentle movement, what happens if you stop thinking. Movements of a sort will continue, but in time and with practice get less and less voluntary, especially if the woman has good vaginal muscle control. Ultimately, some people learn to insert and do nothing, but still reach orgasm in which they totally fuse, giving a sensation of being a single person -- not describable, again, and probably not always realizable, but fantastic when it happens”. And if “it does happen you will want to repeat it."
Telling someone to "just put it in and lay there" certainly has the false appearance of aiming low, but the effect can be the discovery of a whole range of new sensations. With a new found comfortability, connectedness, and confidence instilled, a couple can break the cycle of nervousness, and its counterpart, "riders block." Orgasm is the whole experience, not just a short-lived climax at the end of the sexual experience. Expanding the definition of orgasm beyond climax is a way to appreciate the whole experience, focusing on each part instead of rushing to the finish line.
But once you blur the lines of a definition, where does the expansion end? Does an orgasm have to be sexual at all?
Kenneth Stubbs, an erotic masseuse and author of "Clitoral Kiss," "Tantric Massage," "Sacred Orgasm," etc., described orgasm as having evolved “to include a wide range of energetic experience."
He describes one such energetic orgasm in an entirely non-sexual context. Minutes after finishing one of his books he felt: “a familiar ‘shivering up the spine’ coming on. This gentle rush and other nonorgasmic energetic experiences had become commonplace while writing my book: Sometimes as I become ‘aware’ of an idea to include, an accompanying energy ‘wall’ or field would slam into me. I decided to sit back in my chair for this ‘shivering.’ Next, I remember an intense white light in the center of my head, similar to what I call the sacred earth orgasm."
I can’t say that I have experienced a “sacred-earth orgasm,” however, I find the concept of a non-sexual orgasm interesting. Kenneth’s experience reminded me of something in my own life that I refer to as my "visual representation of myself." It is a vision I created and feel immensely connected to. It begins as a dark expanse centered around a cedar dome with candles orbiting the dome.
A few seconds later, light explodes from the cedar dome and connects with the floating candles. I feel that the essence of my being is captured in this scene, and it visually describes how I feel in a moment of discovery, passion, or ultimate and nearly divine happiness. I feel my mind throbbing, exploding and expanding out as if it is an entity separate from myself.
I don’t claim that what I am feeling is an energy orgasm, in fact, the sensation, although otherworldly, doesn’t strike me as orgasmic. My point, however, is for people to embrace a variety of experiences. A conventional climax-orgasm is no doubt incredible, but always striving for it may lead you to ignore a host of other equally incredible experiences. No experience in which you feel passionate or divinely happy should be condemned, sexual or otherwise.
