Who is happy? What makes someone happy? Who deserves not to be happy? Why do we feel like we can answer these questions for everyone else?
Recently, when visiting with a friend, she complained about some of her discontents in life. I thought, “Wow, her problems are so petty. She should be happy with all that she has -- I know I would be if I was her.” But my interior-commentary failed to address that if I was actually her -- if I was raised the same way, came from the same background, experienced all that she has, thought the same thoughts -- I probably wouldn’t be happy either, because I would share her perspective.
Why was I so quick to diminish her outlook? I may think that it’s unreasonable for her to be unhappy because she has things that I don’t or because she doesn’t face the same issues as I do. What’s been so challenging for me to accept, though, is that just because somebody else has more than me, what they have doesn’t de-value their feelings. We are all persons, each capable of feelings. One of those feelings can be the judgment you are quick to have of a friend for being unhappy, despite the things she has in life. But the fact she feels unhappy still means something; everybody’s feelings hold merit.
So if somebody’s feelings don’t affect us directly, why do we have to respond in opposition? More specific to my example, why do I feel that my friend is undeserving of her unhappiness? What’s truly not fair, rather, is that I think it’s unfair for her to have the right to her feelings. If the situation was turned around, and my friend had less than me, or even nothing, would I expect her to be unhappy? If we don’t expect those with less to feel any less than we do, is it just for us to expect those we deem better off than us to be happier?
I know that question could be answered differently for everybody, but I hope some could say the answer is no. It’s not the right of others to determine the feelings of an individual for that individual. You and I may live differently, but that doesn’t entitle either of us to say why one of us should be happier than the other. It is not my place to talk down upon my friend for feeling discontent about her struggles, even if they aren’t as difficult as mine. We are all persons, each with our own rights to feel what we feel.
It’s through a validation of the existence of, rather than the reasons for, someone’s right to feel that we can enable a respect for our own. Some people are happy, and hopefully it’s a majority. What makes these people happy is determined by themselves, and they all have the right to feel whatever way they do. Maybe we feel like we can determine who deserves to think what, because we’ve felt that expectation upon ourselves before. However, we will never find fulfillment in life through comparing our reasons for our own level of satisfaction with others’. We will find fulfillment through acknowledging others’ thoughts to allow acknowledgement of our own in return.
