How are you doing?

I've never been super fond of that question... But now about 2 months into the hardest most painful trial of my life and my dislike for that question has been turned into dread. I've heard that question many more times than I can count. Sometimes I don't feel like dealing with it so I simply say "good" or if I want to be a little more honest I'll say "hanging in there." But how does one fully answer that question when you don't actually know for yourself? I don't know how I'm doing or feeling...let alone how to describe that to someone. One second I could be genuinely doing okay while with the snap of a finger I could go from doing well to having a breakdown.

"How am I doing?"

Do you mean am I able to function normally these days?

Do you want to know if I’m doing better than before?

Are you looking for a report on my progress in the grieving process?

Do you want to know if I still cry myself to sleep at night?

Do you want to know if thoughts of missing my sister still consume my mind?

Or do you want the easy I'm doing okay answer with a smile on my face?

"How are you doing?"

It's a loaded question. There are so many things behind that question it encompasses so very much, almost too much to even begin to pinpoint an answer to it. Sometimes that simple question of "How are you?" Becomes a harsh reminder of the isolation, of the struggle of wading through overwhelming grief. There’s the side where everything appears to be "OK" where people see me living life and functioning as normal, but there’s a secret invisible side full of ongoing silent pain that doesn't seem to be welcomed by society.

How am I doing?

I'm extremely sad, I'm hurting, I'm struggling, I'm overwhelmed, I'm broken, I'm confused--- heartbroken

How am I doing?

How am I supposed to be doing after I’ve lost my sister? After getting ready to start college together. After losing a sisterly bond that was just beginning to flourish. After having a lifetime of memories planned out with each other?

How am I?

Well, that's a very good question one that I don't quite know the answer to.