Infidelity is a tricky thing. In a world where relationships have all sorts of rules and exceptions, what does infidelity look like? What is forgivable? What is an accident? Cheating is a word we are all scared to use. There is something so wrong about it but that doesn’t stop people from hurting those they love or from crossing the line.

Every couple has the right to define what they want their relationship to be. And the truth is, relations outside a relationship may be helpful. For those who have been together a long time and have never known a life apart, exploring other options may be what the they need to either reinforce their bond or realize they no longer belong together. For couples engaging in long distance relationships, seeking intimacy from someone else could be a sign that they are struggling with being without their significant other, or it could be an indicator that the couple is not ready to respect commitment. No matter the situation or the arrangement, cheating is very telling. But the question is, at what cost?

Often pop culture makes a mockery of the severity of these betrayals. We hear songs making excuses and movies romanticizing men and women acting outside their relationships only to find the person they were “meant to be with”. I am by no means saying there are no excuses, or that because two people are together they have to remain that way forever. I, however, don’t think cheating is something to be taken lightly. This kind of dishonestly does not only have the power to tear apart the relationship, but also those who were deceived. People put complete trust into someone, only to find that everything they thought they knew was wrong. Those who are subsequently sent into a downward spiral question what they could have done differently to avoid this gut-wrenching pain. This deception can send a person into a blinding rage while also disabling his or her ability to trust anyone. That is not to say that a person who has been in this situation is defined by it but I believe that regardless of the situation, infidelity will have a lasting effect on both parties.

The issue may not necessarily be cheating itself but rather the dishonestly that accompanies it. And beyond that, the lasting paranoia that will seep into other relationships—not just romantic ones. When does self-exploration become adultery? Though most couples will define cheating differently, many will agree that a line is crossed when secrets are kept.

For those who have experienced infidelity know that it can cause the most trustworthy of faces to be cast into the shadows. The moment my weeks of worrying and fears were justified, rather than validating my paranoia, the pain sunk me even lower. I spent months picking apart my relationship, trying to analyze every moment, before realizing this one relationship didn’t have to dictate my life. Though certain actions still trigger this fear, I realize now that those I love must also be those I trust. I let the insecurities of one man and his need to prove himself, turn me into a woman I didn’t recognize. My best friend once told me that it is better to spend years alone than minutes with someone who doesn’t respect you. I know now that although it was his choice to cheat, I always had the choice to leave.