We all know that one couple who are so in loooove with each other that they do just about everything together. This is the couple that posts pictures of each other on their snap stories from sunup to sundown, the couple who share a calendar, the couple who barely have time to spend with their own friends. While these couples seem so #relationshipgoals, I propose that that’s actually not what love is supposed to look like.
You know that cheesy saying that goes something like: “If you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep?” As hokey as it is, I think that actually applies to real love.
According to an article written in the Huffington Post, falling in love with someone affects the brain in a way similar to that an addictive drug would, meaning that you can literally get addicted to your partner.
I get that we need the addicting powers of infatuation to, you know, expand the human race, but I think the intense dependency so many people feel in their relationships has become the norm, and that’s not okay.
A healthy relationship should be “I love and respect this person very deeply”, not, “I need this person to in order to live a happy life.” Yes, the two are mutually exclusive.
If you need any single person in order to live a happy life, the relationship becomes about how your partner can make you feel good, and that’s not love, that’s a selfish dependency. Worse, it creates a breeding ground for a controlling, manipulative, and even an abusive relationship.
When you view another person as the source of your own happiness, then you inherently dehumanize them because you make their existence about pleasing your own needs.
I think it’s important that we constantly check our possession because we, as social creatures, will sometimes be tempted to feel possession over those that we love. However, feeling tempted to have possession over another person and actually believing that you have possession over them are two different things.
Today, the temptation to feel possessive is at an all time high, as social media allows us to constantly check up on our partners and see what they're doing. Social media stalking is a normal part of many people’s routines, and geotags and location accuracy features allow us to know where our partner is at almost all times.
Giving up possession over the people we love is a liberating experience. Removing jealousy and the sense of possession allows for a more fluid and intimate relationship. It allows love to flow rather than be blocked by insecurity.
In addition, viewing your partner as a being independent of yourself allows for a greater sense of respect. When you view your partner as something that compliments your happiness rather than the source, it builds this selfless love where you can actually appreciate and admire your partner for all that they are. It creates a relationship of two full individuals who love each other rather than two half individuals who need each other to feel full.
I understand that this is real life and we’re not always living in one, big, happy, love-land. I understand that there are times when your partner is going to act in ways that make you feel jealous, or even resentful. All you can do in these instances is express that you’ve been hurt. The moment you ask your partner to change or be different or even feel different, you’re viewing them as if they belong to you. And you can love someone with your whole heart, and it still won’t make them “yours”. People aren’t meant to belong to other people.
Yes, it’s fun to be joined at the hip with your partner, but it’s also necessary to make time for space and alone time so that a sense of possession doesn’t build. When two people who truly love each other come together after being apart, they are able to grow from each other’s experiences and ultimately be stronger as a whole.
I think it’s important for people to see the difference between possession and real love because a relationship built on possession will crumble at the first instant of mistrust. Real love does not need to be tested, checked, or strained. It is just something that is there; it is something as simple as asking if the sky is blue.
