Almost everyone has dealt with or will deal with a toxic person at least once in their lifetime, and often times, we don't know how to handle these situations. For some people, it's relatively easy to identify when you're in a toxic relationship, but for others, it's a tedious process. It's hard for us to recognize when someone we love is actually hurting us, but no matter how painful it is, we have to do what's best for our sanity.
First of all, there are all different types of toxic relationships.
This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. In fact, the majority of the time we find ourselves in toxic relationships with our family or friends. The first step to getting out of a toxic relationship is knowing the difference between someone who is harmful and someone who isn't. Toxic people slowly make you feel worse and worse about yourself until it gets to the point where having that person there starts to negatively affect your life.
Toxic people often start out as those we love deeply and hold tight in our hearts. You grow really close to them: they know your secrets and you know theirs, and they become such an important part of your life. However, toxic people are like leeches. They slowly suck out every inch of self-esteem you have, and you don't even realize that it is happening. All you know is that you just feel really sick and don't know why.
In a toxic relationship, a person is typically abusive in some form or way.
Whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, mental or a combination, they find a way to harm you no matter what it takes. They often make what they consider "jokes", but in reality, they are cutting you down. When you try to confront them about it, they typically respond with something along the lines of, "Come on, I was just kidding." When they say things like this, you begin to feel like you are the one at fault for feeling the way you do. Maybe one day you're feeling ecstatic because you finally made a new friend at your new job, but when you tell them, they feel the need to not only compete with you, but to one-up you as well. And the worst part is, often times toxic people don't even realize that what they're doing is wrong.
Toxic people will harm you without turning a cheek, but when you decide you've had enough, they know just how to draw you back in.
They will begin to act nicer towards you. They will cry and sob and apologize over and over again and tell you how much they love you and how much you mean to them. And when someone says something like this, it's hard not to give in. When someone says such kind things to you and genuinely seems so upset, it's not exactly easy to just turn your head and walk away, because it turns the situation around and makes you feel like you're the one in the wrong. Typically after a confrontation like this, they'll be on their best behavior for a few days or a week. But they always go right back to how they were, and the endless cycle continues and repeats itself all over again.
This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. A healthy relationship is one where two people support each other. They get excited for one another when the other is excited, even if they can't relate. They are genuinely happy for one another when one accomplishes something. They don't intentionally cut each other down, nor do they compete with one another. When there's a problem, they confront the other person in a calm and mature manner instead of talking about that person behind their back.
Typically, toxic relationships start out with the same characteristics as a healthy one.
They feel perfectly normal and fine at first, but as time goes on, things start to change. The hardest part for most people is to finally work up the courage to get out of the toxic relationship. Because let's face it, most toxic people that you get involved with mean something to you, or you would not have gotten involved with them in the first place. These people can even be people you didn't choose to be involved with, like a family member. It's hard to get rid of toxic people because they always draw you back in, and it is so hard to imagine changing your life in such a big way where someone who used to mean the world to you is no longer a part of it.
It is hard to hold on to all of the bad things they have done when they tell you they will change and make themselves sound so wholesome and loving. They may tell you that they care about you, but someone who truly cares about you wouldn't treat you like a piece of garbage and make you believe that you can't live without them. Toxic people make you believe that they can always help and fix you because they are master manipulators. And each time they mess up, they are going to keep apologizing and telling you that you're the one who messed up. They will make excuses for their behavior and tell you that they don't know what they're doing, but they do.
Abusive people do not change.
They know they will get you back when they pull out the sob card. It is very hard to hold on to those thoughts when they do one right thing, and there is always that "what if" lingering in the back of your mind that one day they might change. But they won't. And you can't change them. You will never be able to change them. That "what if" will be stuck lingering there forever. You can't go into a relationship expecting to change someone. The only person who can change them is themselves.
It gets to a certain point where you have to start taking care of yourself and understand that you aren't selfish or self-centered for putting yourself first, but that you're self-loving and doing something healthy. One thing that can help you if you are not easily able to get out of these types of relationships is getting help from others. If you need to confront the person or are planning on ending things, grab a good friend to go along with you or help you with what you want to say so when you feel like giving in, they will be there to remind you why you are there in the first place.
Everyone goes at their own pace, and you aren't "dumb" for waiting too long or just now seeing it.
The point is that you did see it, and you want to do something about it. So congratulations, because you are now at a starting point. Be proud of yourself. It doesn't matter if it took you days, weeks, months, or even years. The point is that you know that you are not in a healthy relationship and recognize that you need to get out of it. That is all that matters because you deserve to be treated like the wonderful human being that you are.
