At the mention of abuse, one's mind immediately jumps to physical abuse. You picture bruises, broken bones, and much more. However, one form of abuse that lies far under the radar is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear or humiliation to undermine the other person's self-esteem. This broad definition of emotional abuse doesn't even begin to grasp the many different aspects of this type of abuse in a relationship. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse and even more so. Physical bruises heal, emotional bruises don't. The most obvious signs of emotional abuse include name calling, constantly putting one down, and humiliation. However, some signs that people fail to see are jealousy, constant communication, and guilt.
It is okay to have a little jealousy in relationships but when it gets to the point where you are getting yelled at for talking to any person of the opposite sex, that it not okay. It is not okay when you need to stop talking to your best friend of the opposite sex because you start dating someone and they feel insecure. Getting jealous of a guys name popping up on your phone to questioning who you are with every time you go out are all signs of jealousy being taken way too far. When your partner doesn't want you getting a job because you will be working with guys to not wanting you to join a specific organization or club because he is afraid of someone "stealing" you from him all goes to show how insecure your partner is in your relationship. Jealousy doesn't have to stay just against other guys. It gets to the point where your partner becomes jealous of all your friends and your family, anyone who takes up your time. Anyone that takes time away from him. He isolates you from everyone you care about and makes you feel bad for wanting to see them and spend time with them.
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Constant communication, at first, doesn't sound that bad. However, this constant communication isn't because they love you and they want to talk to know and genuinely know how your day is going. This communication is to keep track of you: what you are doing, who you are with, and where you are going. He will phrase it in questions that make him seem curious instead of nosey. If you take too long to text back because you are busy or forgot, he gets an attitude. He wonders what you were doing that was so important, more important than him. He is in a bad mood and you don't want to deal with it so you apologize. That's how it is most times. You know he is being childish and selfish but you just don't want to deal with it at that moment so you suck it up and apologize for something you know wasn't wrong. God forbid you go out and have fun with your girlfriends one night. He will not stop texting you. He is relentless, wanting to know what you are doing at every second. He wants to know if anyone is talking to you or trying to hit on you. He makes you feel bad for going out without him, for going out with your friends, for having fun. He makes you feel so bad that it ruins your night.
This is where guilt comes into play. No matter what you do he will somehow always make you feel bad. He will somehow always make the argument your fault. He brings up past encounters to throw in your face. He guilts you so hard that you actually believe that it is true. You believe that you are the one that causes all the fights, you are the one with flaws and that you are lucky that he forgives you every time. He makes you feel little, unworthy and like he is the only one who will put up with your mistakes. He makes it seem that you should be so lucky to be dating someone like him. "No one else would put up with you", "No one else could ever love you the way I love you", and "You're lucky that someone like me loves you" are phrases you hear all too often.
The list goes on and on of what he could be doing that is so emotionally abusive. The hardest part about these types of relationships is realizing that you are in one. You may become so accustomed to the way that he treats you that you honestly believe it is a normal relationship. Sometimes, an outside perspective, like a close friend, is the best way to handle the situation. One thing to remember is that he is not the only guy out there. Other people will love you and will truly care about your well being. Your friends will always be there for you, to pick you up when your down and to help you realize what you deserve. You deserve more than this, you deserve more than him. You deserve happiness, true happiness. You should love yourself the way you are and someone will be happy to love you the same way you love yourself.
Please be conscious of your friends and their relationships. Remember abuse isn't just bruise and black eyes, the most common effects of abuse can't be seen. Some signs of an emotionally abusive relationship include:
Humiliating or embarrassing
Constant put-downs
Hypercriticism
Ignoring or excluding you
Provocative behavior with opposite sex
Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice
Unreasonable jealousy
Extreme moodiness
Mean jokes
Saying "I love you but..."
Saying things like "if you don't _____, I will _____"
Domination and control
Withdrawal of affection
Guilt trips
Making everything your fault
Isolating you from friends and family
Constant calling or texting when you are not with them
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave
If you or someone you know feel like you are in an abusive relationship, whether it be physically, emotionally or sexually call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
