Dear Diary,
It's been two weeks since I lost my voice swearing at my school's playoff hockey game. Now that the season is over, I can hopefully rest. Also, thank God that the NFL season is over because I can assure you that I will lose it every Sunday starting in September. But for now, I am trying to learn not to curse or yell or both, and it is starting to work. Progress. Blessed progress. I am trying to drown out my sailor's mouth, and find better adjectives that still provide a punch ... still looking.
I have only dieted for two days, and have broken that streak when the dinning hall served breadsticks. I am not ashamed. To be honest, the salad was not that good to begin with, and I am not trying to look hot in a bikini, even though I said I would try. I most likely will just end up splashing around in the water like a five year old because tanning requires effort- the kind of effort in which you go to the beach just to look better. I'd rather look like a seaweed monster with sand up her butt.
Some habits die hard. I'll get a tan and eat better eventually? At least I have the gym, right? I told myself I would wear a cute outfit and full makeup like most — if not all — the other girls do, but I just don't want to put in the effort. Instead, I just lift more and run faster, looking like a sweaty pig. To be honest, I'd rather look bad getting results than look cute getting none.
Besides the incurable eating habits, I have made progress though. Before going out, I spent an extra minute deciding on what outfit I should wear. That's good! I also pretended to understand the clothing struggle of my friends even though I really didn't get the point. It's clothes! They all look cute! Just pick one!
However, I still pretended because I am trying to be more patient and not feel the need to roll my eyes and eat more of the Chipotle I hid in my fridge as i wait for a decision to be made. (I can smell the Chipotle in my fridge, but no! I must fight it).
I am also excited because I have gone one day without wearing sweatpants! I actually got up early enough to put on jeans today! I mean, I still didn't get up early to shower or put on makeup, but I am proud. Maybe tomorrow ... but I have and 8 a.m ... eh, maybe another day I will decide to actually look like my gender. I shower at night, at least!
Also I am learning more about the ways of females, but I am not really doing everything right. I still say more inappropriate things than appropriate things, but I am really good at keeping secrets. Why? Because I have no one to tell them to and nothing to gain. Yeah, still don't understand the power love of girls, but maybe I will if I fall on my head or something. I don't know. I'm just going with it.
I still prefer hanging out with boys, though. That isn't changing. And before you ask, Diary, it's not because they are hot. To be honest, they let me break all of the girlie goals I made for myself. To be honest, I am so far from recovery. I'm so far from finding the meaning behind girls' actions and actually wanting to do them. However, learning is half the battle. I have a lot of learning to go.
On a positive note, I am not afraid of Victoria's Secret or Sephora anymore. I can actually blend eyeshadow on my eyes and make my face look better. So at least on the outside, I'm better. Got a long, long, long way to go.
But to be honest, I am not sure if I want to get there. I kind of still like the tomboy I am now.
