We, as broken humans, have this desire to “arrive”, to come to an end where we’ve accomplished everything on our list for life. We always fail. We will never arrive by our works alone.

Context for this depressing thought: a recent and vulnerable conversation with a friend allowed me to articulate this horrible thought about how getting married isn’t solving all of my insecurities. Wow, no surprise there! But really, I think that somewhere in my head, I had subconsciously believed that my marriage would help me “arrive.” Getting married would be an event so great thereafter I would be a “real adult” with all of the confidence and know-how to handle life. The multitude of lies and insecurities in those last couple sentences are almost laughable, but actually just heartbreaking. It’s absolutely ridiculous [not to mention wrong and sinful] for me to place so much of my worth on my marriage.

Marriage is beautiful. I’m thankful to have a life-long friend, partner, and lover to walk with. That being said, every honest relationship is messy, especially a one as intimate and vulnerable as marriage. Getting married won’t solve my insecurities because both my fiancé and I are broken people; we both bring a lot of baggage and hurt to our marriage. That’s not exactly a recipe for solving all my problems. It is, however, an opportunity to grow and learn, to be humble, and to become more conformed to Christ’s likeness. Marriage won’t solve my insecurities because God is the only One who can do that. I must run to the One who is fully complete in Himself to complete me. [The movies got it wrong.]

Why did I subconsciously place such value on my marriage? I honestly can’t say, but I have a good guess. I’m sure it stems from many different fears and hurts, but the biggest one is this desire to “arrive.” People are constantly in pursuit of something, and most people are chasing dreams with an end goal in mind. We want to make X amount of money, have a certain level of seniority at our job, be involved in a particular kind of relationship. Let’s be clear that none of these things are wrong. They are not wrong. We are wrong when we place our desire to achieve before our identity in Christ. When our goal, whatever it may be, becomes the standard for how well we live our lives, we are wrong. When achieving our goal means we have achieved everything we were meant to do and then our lives will be perfect, we are wrong. Our priorities are so disordered it hurts.

I never seem to “arrive.” I got a job; there was more to do. I was actively volunteering; it wasn’t enough. I got engaged; I’m still not complete. When your goals become your god, you will never arrive. You will always fall short. You will never be enough. The only time we can be fully complete and at rest is through abiding in our holy and loving God.

If my identity is in Christ, then my goal must be living out His work for me here on Earth. This means making disciples (Matthew 28:18-20), being salt and light (Matthew 5:13-14), and growing in His grace (2 Peter 3:18). These things are not objective; I will never have fully accomplished them by the time I die. Does this mean will I never arrive? That idea actually just becomes irrelevant. In fact, if I remember the truth, I’ll remember that I already have arrived. As a Christian, I can abide with God now. My eternal life began the moment I put my trust in Christ (John 5:24) and it was never an accomplishment of mine, but an act of sacrifice and love from God who drew near to me. I already “arrived.” Growing in my relationship with God, making disciples, being a witness for God, it’s all part of that abiding. My identity is in my Savior, so I don’t need to look to these fallible goals for my worth. I don’t need to keep striving for approval from worldly standards; I have been made whole and complete and Christ.

This is a chaotic time for me, but then again, it seems like life is such. I know the truth of where my identity is, but it’s much harder to apply that. I’m working on letting the truth of my completeness in Christ invade every part of me, but it’s messy. And you know what? That’s ok. God is really, really good and washing away our mess.