I’ve been wary to write this article, but so many counselors and friends have told me everything gets so much easier when you start talking about your depression. Well, I’m a socially awkward ostrich, so I figured I could write about it instead.
I’d like to address a certain stigma about depression. Depression isn’t sadness. Depression is so, so, so much more than just being “sad”. I found this great picture the other day that perfectly resembles the different kinds of feelings that come along with depression:
I’ve felt every single one of these feelings and more at one time or another during my struggle with depression. I’m no expert and I’m still climbing out of this pit, but I’d really like to share how I’ve dealt with these feelings. Keep in mind that no one experiences depression in the same way and not everyone handles these feelings the same. What may have worked for me, may not work for someone else.
Nothingness:
To feel nothing is a really weird thing. This is the shortest stage I've felt; so on my depression chart, it would probably just be my toes or something. When I feel nothing, I literally just stay in bed. I don’t watch Netflix. I don’t cry. I don’t check my phone. I just lay there. I’m not sure if there’s a way to get over feeling nothing. It may be different for others, but I think it just has to run it’s course through me. For me, it comes in spurts and only lasts a day or two, but it's the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I don’t have any advice for getting through these nothingness phases, so it totally looks like we’re off to a really great start.
Sadness:
Being sad is no fun. No one chooses to be sad. I remember before I found out I had depression, I called my mom crying. I couldn’t explain myself and what I was feeling, so I just went with “sad”. I felt this heavy sadness creep back the other day, so I called a friend from back home who I knew would cheer me up. And oh my goodness, it worked. So, my advice for those who are in this stage of heavy sadness is to talk to someone. Talk to someone you know who cares about you and will love you unconditionally through this. You don’t even have to talk about your feelings. Talk about anything! I promise it will cheer you up and leave this heavy sadness to rest.
Self-Loathing:
Self-loathing on my depression chart would take up the space from my ankles to my eyebrows. Self-hatred is what initially drove me into my depressive state. I began telling myself hateful comments that I knew were not true, but I believed them. Hating yourself is the most unhealthy thing in the entire world. This is not a hyperbole. If you ever, EVER, feel these scary, disgusting, sinful, untrue thoughts about yourself creep into your mind, please don’t wait as long as I did to begin to change your thoughts. The thing that helped me most to overcome these terrible thoughts was to write them down. I wrote them in red crayon on ripped pieces of paper and scribbled over them in black crayon and taped them all over my wall above my desk. I have no clue what I was thinking or what they mean (and neither does my psychologist and my boyfriend thought I was crazy), but it helped tremendously. Seeing these derogatory words in front of me everyday, reminded me that these words didn’t define me. Maybe scribbling them out helped me rid them from my thoughts. Seeing that they were just words could have made me realize that I am so much more than them. I’m more than these untrue descriptions. I’m more than false adjectives. I slowly began to cover them with white pieces of paper that had things and people written on them that brought me joy. This helped even more because it forced me to count my blessings and see them right in front of me everyday. Count your blessings, friends. It’s going to be hard at first when you’re feel so unworthy of blessings, but know that you are so much bigger than those hateful thoughts and you are absolutely worthy of all the blessings in your life.
I heard someone once say that anxiety is depression’s cousin that wasn’t invited to the party but showed up anyway. Anxiety stinks. Mine came in the form of social anxiety. I literally could not talk with people for more than thirty minutes without feeling like I was about to go into a panic attack. The way I dealt with this was tightening my social circle for a while. I told people who asked why I wasn’t attending events or hanging out that I just couldn’t be social right now and I needed some time to myself. Everyone, for the most part, is really understanding if you’re honest with them. So, my advice for those dealing with these feelings of social anxiety is to take the time you need to yourself. I’m not saying be a hermit and stay in your room for eternity; but if you need time to yourself to figure things out, take that time. You and your mental health deserve it. Take baby steps with socializing. Go to dinner with a few friends at first. Then you can move on to hanging out for a bit. Gradually, you’ll work your way back to where you were before. I haven’t quite gotten back to my obnoxious, outgoing self yet, but I can slowly feel myself becoming me again every time I get more comfortable around others.
Hopelessness:
If self-hatred is the most unhealthy feeling in the world, hopelessness is an extremely close second. Thankfully, I didn’t have to experience this for an extended period of time, but I know there are so many people out there suffering from these feelings of hopelessness. I was in my darkest stage when I felt this. I’ve never, ever, never considered suicide, but one day I was feeling so alone and without a future that a single thought of it ran across my mind. It scared the living daylights out of me that it had actually crossed my mind. I immediately called someone I trusted and had them talk to me and say why I was worth it. They reminded me that God created me for a purpose and He loves me more than I could ever imagine. You, my friend, are worth more than all the riches in the world to God. He chose you. Nothing you do or think could ever diminish His great love for you. So, when the world seems dark, know that YOU are worth it.
Guilt:
I knew my depression was taking a toll on others. My mom was frustrated with me because I couldn’t just “snap out of it” like she told me to do, and I felt guilty for making her feel this way. My body was scarred from self-harm, and I felt guilty for hurting myself. My boyfriend was there for me the entire time, but I felt guilty knowing that if I were just a little happier we could be doing something more fun than me being in fetal position after a panic attack while he’s holding my hands. There’s a lot of guilt that comes with depression and it really stinks. I’m not sure how I overcame these feelings of guilt, but I think it was a combination of me reminding myself that my mental health is important and of the people who loved me through it despite what they were feeling. You’re going to be so much closer to the people who stick with you. For example, talking and explaining these things with my mom really helped us grow together. I’ve always loved my mom, but now that we’ve nitpicked at my darkest feelings, there’s a new kind of special bond between us. I feel so much more open with her. I’m not saying it’s worth going through, but know that these feelings of guilt are normal and there is good that can come from them.
Isolation:
I’ve been so fortunate to have a group of caring people who have loved me through this season of my life. So, the only times I’ve felt isolated during my experience with depression were when I couldn’t explain myself to these people. Sometimes you seriously cannot explain how you feel. There just isn’t a word for some feelings. I would get frustrated with myself after I couldn’t pinpoint my thoughts and feelings. I knew I hadn’t gotten my point across because there just weren’t words to describe myself and no one could understand me. This is when I felt truly alone and turned to God. Heads Up: God is ALL-KNOWING. That means that He CAN pinpoint these feelings for you and bring you peace. Know that God is always there to listen. Know that He is always there to help. Know that He always has your best interest in mind. We may not understand Him, but He understands our hearts better than we ever can. Friends, no matter how alone you may feel, know that God is always with you. Even when you’re angry and frustrated with Him, He will never forsake you. You’ll never feel isolated knowing you have your Creator rooting for you.
However, despite my weird conglomeration of advice, if I could give someone struggling one actually solid piece of guidance that I think is crucial to overcoming depression, I would tell them to seek help. Go find a counselor or a psychiatrist or just someone who will make a positive impact toward your recovery. I was apathetic toward seeing one at first, but it has seriously helped so much to have someone treat your illness with the attention it needs.
So, that’s how I’ve been handling all of this. It may not have been the best route and I’ve stumbled quite a bit, but I’ve made it this far. Everyone experiences depression differently, and life would be so much easier if there was a perfect formula to overcoming depression. But since there’s not, we have to figure out for ourselves what best helps us overcome this demon called depression.
