Whether you're well over your mid-twenties or just celebrated the big 2-5, you're an adult, and you know better. However, just in case you need a reminder, here's the definitive list of what not to do once you hit 25.
1. Have a negative bank balance.
Ever heard of a savings account? Save ten percent of every paycheck, and watch that crap add up. Buy yourself something nice, or never be broke... Your choice.
2. Get a DUI.
You know what? Scratch that... You shouldn't drive drunk in general. Get your crap together. You’re not 19 anymore. Get an Uber.
3. Be rude to service industry workers.
A cutting remark to a waitress who forgot your check might get a laugh back in college, but there’s a golden rule when eating out: Don’t mess with the people who handle your food. You don’t know what circumstances led to them getting stuck waiting tables.
4. Baby talk with your significant other.
On behalf of people in adult relationships everywhere, let’s just cut that crap out right now.
5. Cheat.
Your reputation will go from “run of the mill scumbag” in college to “life-ruiner” once you hit your mid-twenties. Is that really who you want to be?
6. Not speak your mind.
You went to college. You’re well-read. Speak up. Nobody will listen, but those are the breaks.
7. Wear sweatpants in public.
Unless you are heading to the gym, just don’t do it.
8. Blame things on your parents.
It’s time to take off the diapers. You can afford therapy, even if it is just once every six months.
9. Not go to at least one black tie formal event every year.
I live for these.
10. Not have at least one television show you’re obsessed with.
Even if it’s just Sports Center.
11. Call a person your spirit animal.
An actual animal is supposed to be your spirit animal... Hints why they are called spirit animals.
12. Not keep in touch with your family.
One call a week goes a long way.
13. Not vote.
You might as well move to North Korea.
14. Stick with a job you hate.
Once you build your résumé, start flirting and get into bed with another company that won’t kill your soul like some kind of disease.
15. Not get your hair cut twice a month.
Good hair = good paycheck. That’s as consistent as gravity.
16. Cry in bars.
No. Do not. You aren’t allowed to do that anymore.
17. Hate where you live.
Again, you’re an adult with real world experience. Uproot and head for greener pastures if you aren’t happy.
18. Not move your body.
It’s tempting to plant your ass on the couch after work and sleep in until 8:00 AM every day, but just move. (Endorphins, baby.)
19. Not invest.
It’s free money! Get a 401k, so you don’t have to work until you die.
20. Have a hipster haircut.
Self-explanatory.
21. Use your parents.
It’s fine if you have to move back in with Mom and Dad. Shit happens. It’s not okay to move back in and not contribute. Go to the store, play with your younger siblings, and just make life easier for them in general. You might start understanding their actual struggles, as opposed to your not-so-real struggles.
22. Hate people for getting married and having kids.
This is the hard one because this is the real world, and you can’t just go around hating people for doing completely normal shit. (Well, at least just wait until their engagement photos go up on Facebook... I actively root against people who have awful engagement photos.)
23. Get back together with an ex who screwed you over.
This one explains itself. Nothing is more pathetic. People don’t change.
24. Enter into a “destructive phase”.
You get that during college and the two years after. Play the card now, if you haven’t already.
25. Let anonymous Internet listicle authors tell you how to live your life.
I hope you were able to get this far, but even still, disregard everything I told you. (Tell me to go piss off in the comments... Please. I just want to feel something.) It’s beautiful outside, so go catch a buzz, and max out your credit cards on an online shopping spree, watch Netflix by yourself, or go pick up a stranger in a bar.
You’re in your 20's! Live it up! Because once you hit 30, it’s all over.
