The Definition of Daddy

Where Daddy Issues Come From, and How Abusive Relationships are Born

Ellen R. Collier

Staring into that little girl’s eyes

I saw anger

Anger at the one who betrayed her

The one who ran from her

Who discarded her (like the dirty diaper he forgot to throw away)

The one who lied, and will always lie

It is he who wants her to be a baby

Keep her a baby—forever

Anything past that would be a burden

And she’s not a burden…is she?

Of course she is, in his eyes at least

He shows his contempt for her quite plainly

She sees it too

But she tries to look past it

Because he will always be her Daddy, and

As the holder of that title

No other man shall compare

To the man (child) who she calls “Dadda”

Who in turn calls her a pet-name

From this moment forward

That’s how he will choose to see her

As long as she is a baby

She will never have an opinion

She will never become her mother

So he will cage her

Long to change her

To control her

He will continue to:

Patronize her

Underestimate her

Condescend to her

Fool her

Secretly loathe her

Hold her back

From becoming:

A toddler (who feels frustrated)

A 1^st grader (who feels unloved)

A teenager (who feels lonely)

Her Mother (at least in looks, which she feels aren’t everything)

She will then

Date a guy

With a temper

Like her father’s

Who will ignore her

In favor of

Better, more interesting things

Then her boyfriend will

Shower her with the kind of “love”

Only her father could provide

Soon the only thing she’ll feel

Is numb to:

His hurtful words

His immense distrust

His neglectful absence

His controlling attitude

His aggressive behavior

His insecurity complex

His cascade of angry words

Then she’ll remember Daddy

That’s who she does it for

Who she survives for, and

The reason she chose to be

With the wrong guy

’Cause he’s just like her Daddy

She won’t find love because

She doesn’t know what

Love really is:

Amazing

Scary

Exhilarating

Frustrating

Exciting

Liberating

Honest

Comfortable

Heavenly

Ironically Indescribable

All while she’s still a baby

Her Father will

Continue to ignore her

Not really listening

Not really interested

Not really caring

Just wanting her to be

Quiet and compliant

So he won’t really see his daughter

As she:

Learns to talk

Goes to school

Brings her homework with her on weekends

Fumbles with make-up

Stumbles through her teenage years

Tries (and fails) to be sexy

And before he can blink—

His daughter is past

Her awkward stage

Now turning into a pretty young woman

Who will:

Drive her own car

Graduate High School

Still have insecurities

Go to parties

Turn heads

Meet guys

Flirt with guys

Hook-up with guys

Fall for the wrong guy

Possibly be beaten by him

Yet it seems right

Because it reminds her of:

Home

Daddy

Childhood

(What childhood?)

She doesn’t think she deserves better

Because she didn’t know

Such a thing existed

So when she winds up

In the hospital

Getting stiches

And someone asks

Where she got the bruises from

She doesn’t say

She stays quiet and compliant

Just like Daddy wanted

Now, maybe he’ll:

Notice her

Be proud of her

Hug her

Show anything other than exasperated contempt for her

All grown up

She’ll think,

Don’t claim love Daddy

If you have none to give

She’ll always be looking for Mr. Right

As long as she doesn’t know

What “right” looks like

After all,

Who did all that damage?

Who hurt her?

Boyfriend or Daddy?

What does it matter?

It’s all the same anyway

Boys will be boys, right?

Both Boyfriend and Daddy treat her like:

Shit

An inconvenience

A trophy

An annoyance

A princess…

HA!

Yeah right!

Get that fairy tale out of your head

’Cause life won’t be a fairy tale

For her, or for anybody

Someday though, she will dress up like

A princess waiting for her (prom) prince

He might show up

He might not

Probably not…

Unless Daddy decides:

To change

To show her

How a princess should be treated

To protect her from those who are:

Less Than

Undesirable

Unworthy

She’s independent

She’ll make her own choices as she grows

She’ll make mistakes for love

She’ll mistake tolerance for love

For love is supposed to:

Heal (your heart)

Fill (the void)

Conquer (all)

It is she who tried, and failed to:

Heal (Daddy’s weary heart)

Fill (the void in Daddy’s lonely soul)

Conquer (all…little by little)

For once she realizes

She is better

Stronger than him

She will triumph!