The Definition of Daddy
Where Daddy Issues Come From, and How Abusive Relationships are Born
Ellen R. Collier
Staring into that little girl’s eyes
I saw anger
Anger at the one who betrayed her
The one who ran from her
Who discarded her (like the dirty diaper he forgot to throw away)
The one who lied, and will always lie
It is he who wants her to be a baby
Keep her a baby—forever
Anything past that would be a burden
And she’s not a burden…is she?
Of course she is, in his eyes at least
He shows his contempt for her quite plainly
She sees it too
But she tries to look past it
Because he will always be her Daddy, and
As the holder of that title
No other man shall compare
To the man (child) who she calls “Dadda”
Who in turn calls her a pet-name
From this moment forward
That’s how he will choose to see her
As long as she is a baby
She will never have an opinion
She will never become her mother
So he will cage her
Long to change her
To control her
He will continue to:
Patronize her
Underestimate her
Condescend to her
Fool her
Secretly loathe her
Hold her back
From becoming:
A toddler (who feels frustrated)
A 1st grader (who feels unloved)
A teenager (who feels lonely)
Her Mother (at least in looks, which she feels aren’t everything)
She will then
Date a guy
With a temper
Like her father’s
Who will ignore her
In favor of
Better, more interesting things
Then her boyfriend will
Shower her with the kind of “love”
Only her father could provide
Soon the only thing she’ll feel
Is numb to:
His hurtful words
His immense distrust
His neglectful absence
His controlling attitude
His aggressive behavior
His insecurity complex
His cascade of angry words
Then she’ll remember Daddy
That’s who she does it for
Who she survives for, and
The reason she chose to be
With the wrong guy
’Cause he’s just like her Daddy
She won’t find love because
She doesn’t know what
Love really is:
Amazing
Scary
Exhilarating
Frustrating
Exciting
Liberating
Honest
Comfortable
Heavenly
Ironically Indescribable
All while she’s still a baby
Her Father will
Continue to ignore her
Not really listening
Not really interested
Not really caring
Just wanting her to be
Quiet and compliant
So he won’t really see his daughter
As she:
Learns to talk
Goes to school
Brings her homework with her on weekends
Fumbles with make-up
Stumbles through her teenage years
Tries (and fails) to be sexy
And before he can blink—
His daughter is past
Her awkward stage
Now turning into a pretty young woman
Who will:
Drive her own car
Graduate High School
Still have insecurities
Go to parties
Turn heads
Meet guys
Flirt with guys
Hook-up with guys
Fall for the wrong guy
Possibly be beaten by him
Yet it seems right
Because it reminds her of:
Home
Daddy
Childhood
(What childhood?)
She doesn’t think she deserves better
Because she didn’t know
Such a thing existed
So when she winds up
In the hospital
Getting stiches
And someone asks
Where she got the bruises from
She doesn’t say
She stays quiet and compliant
Just like Daddy wanted
Now, maybe he’ll:
Notice her
Be proud of her
Hug her
Show anything other than exasperated contempt for her
All grown up
She’ll think,
Don’t claim love Daddy
If you have none to give
She’ll always be looking for Mr. Right
As long as she doesn’t know
What “right” looks like
After all,
Who did all that damage?
Who hurt her?
Boyfriend or Daddy?
What does it matter?
It’s all the same anyway
Boys will be boys, right?
Both Boyfriend and Daddy treat her like:
Shit
An inconvenience
A trophy
An annoyance
A princess…
HA!
Yeah right!
Get that fairy tale out of your head
’Cause life won’t be a fairy tale
For her, or for anybody
Someday though, she will dress up like
A princess waiting for her (prom) prince
He might show up
He might not
Probably not…
Unless Daddy decides:
To change
To show her
How a princess should be treated
To protect her from those who are:
Less Than
Undesirable
Unworthy
She’s independent
She’ll make her own choices as she grows
She’ll make mistakes for love
She’ll mistake tolerance for love
For love is supposed to:
Heal (your heart)
Fill (the void)
Conquer (all)
It is she who tried, and failed to:
Heal (Daddy’s weary heart)
Fill (the void in Daddy’s lonely soul)
Conquer (all…little by little)
For once she realizes
She is better
Stronger than him
She will triumph!
