If you are reading this, it is probably because you got wasted in the first 10 minutes of the GOP debate thanks to one of the drinking games (I heard Buzzfeed’s was a real knockout), and need a recap so you can get through dinner with you parents and act like you pay attention to current events. No shame: let’s be honest, there were enough predictable and absurd things said during the debate to get your 300-pound Irish uncle drunk.
It is a pleasure and an honor to report on the GOP debate for The Odyssey at The George Washington University, the school that tops charts for political activism (while this title is an accomplishment of sorts, it would be wildly embarrassing if we did not win it, because I believe it may be a requirement of being located in the nation’s capital, just blocks away from the home of the leader of our free world). Nothing kicks off election season quite like a good debate. As a writer, I am supposed to note that any views expressed here are my own, but I am going to guess that they are probably shared by many of you.
The Players
John Kasich: Governor of Ohio
Important Facts*: When he was in college, Kasich wrote a letter to Nixon and was granted a 20-minute meeting with him. He is also a member of Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity, which has since mandated that one night of rush be dedicated to discussing their most notable alumnus.
Rand Paul: Kentucky Senator
Important Facts: He is an ophthalmologist and has a weird haircut. He used to go by Randy, but his wife shortened it to Rand as a symbol of cutting off his…
Ted Cruz: Texas Senator
Important Facts: He won approximately four debate awards while at Princeton and Harvard, so his opponents in the GOP debate were given a handicap.
Mike Huckabee: Former Governor of Arkansas
Important Facts: He is an ordained minister and served as Hope High School student council president, which is the most important item on his LinkedIn.
Jeb Bush: Former Governor of Florida
Important Facts: His Wikipedia page cites his ability to make the honor roll in high school even though he smoked marijuana, which is the only time in history anyone has been able to do this.
Donald Trump: LOL
Important Facts: He is the son of Fred Trump.
Scott Walker: Governor of Wisconsin
Important Facts: As a student senator, he led an investigation that revealed the misappropriation of funds for homecoming. Many resigned as a result, but when Walker ran for student government president, he was found guilty of beginning his campaign before he was allowed to. His favorite quote is, “Don’t judge me by my past, I don’t live there anymore.”
Ben Carson: Neurosurgeon
Important Facts: A Penn State interview with Carson revealed that he believes his hand-eye coordination contributes to his ability to be a good neurosurgeon. I mean, yeah. He also successfully separated conjoined twins, so there’s that.
Marco Rubio: Florida Senator
Important Facts: Rubio’s parents emigrated from Cuba in 1956, and he is married to a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. So, he is basically living the American Dream.
Chris Christie: Governor of New Jersey
Important Facts: He did NOT close the Fort Lee traffic lanes and has ALWAYS been SHOCKED that anyone would think he could POSSIBLY have been involved. He has attended over 120 Springsteen concerts, and everyone knows that people who attend Springsteen concerts don’t shut down any damn roads.
The Moderators
Megyn Kelly: Host of The Kelly File
Important Facts: The “Journalism Career” section of her Wikipedia page doubled in size last week thanks to Donald Trump. She can be spotted purchasing tampons the first week of the month for all of that "blood coming out of her."
Chris Wallace: Host of Fox News Sunday
Important Facts: In 2006, it was revealed that Wallace was a registered Democrat. Dun dun dun.
Bret Baier: Host of Special Report with Bret Baier
Important Facts: A member of the Xi chapter, Baier was named a Sigma Chi “Significant Sig” in 2009. On weekends, he wears salmon-colored shorts.
The Debate
We knew we were off to a good start with the first camera shot of Megyn, Bret, and Chris, who may as well have been the judges from Pitch Perfect. They made sure to start 10 minutes early to fulfill their dreams of being the subpar opening band before the real act showed. And boy did the real act show.
After Megyn had them awkwardly line up and pointed out how awkward it was, the first candidate rushed to the Cornucopia, and the Hunger Games began. At first, it was a little confusing because it seemed more like The Donald Trump Show sponsored by Donald Trump, hosted by Trump Hotels, presenting Donald Trump. But then I remembered I was watching SNL.
While this event was called a "debate," there wasn’t much debating actually going on. Candidates were for the most part given different questions and weren’t permitted to engage in any back and forth (that didn’t stop them…but if you thought you were going to be the next President, would you take direction from news commentators?).
But in all seriousness, I give you:
The Laydown
Social Issues
The candidates tackled some tough questions, and some came out better than expected. The thing about these debates is that political parties align with certain beliefs on certain issues, so you are not really expecting any crazy answers. Republicans are typically pro-life (all candidates who were asked said they do not believe in abortion under any circumstance, and about 60 percent of them claimed they defunded Planned Parenthood), not too fond of the current LGBT situation, and in favor of guns; you know what you’re getting. But, when Kasich was asked what he would say if one of his daughters were gay, he replied with perhaps the best serious line of the night:
I’m an old-fashioned person here and I happen to believe in traditional marriage...Because somebody doesn't think the way I do doesn't mean that I can't care about them or I can't love them. So if one of my daughters happened to be that, of course I would love them and I would accept them… We need to give everybody a chance, treat everybody with respect, and let them share in this great American dream that we have.*mic drop*
Kasich said what a lot of people have been thinking: you have your vanilla pudding, I’ll have my chocolate pudding, and at the end of the day, even though we have different types of pudding, we all have the pudding we like and we are all happy.
When Huckabee was asked about transgender people in the military, he kindly reminded us that the military is not a social experiment, and that, “The point of the military is to kill people and break things.” Someone has been playing a little too much COD. He also made his stance on abortion very clear, explaining that the 5th and 14th Amendment rights of unborn children are violated when the children are aborted and denied due process.
Immigration
According to Trump, no one would even be talking about immigration if it weren’t for him. Before, during, and after calling American leaders stupid, he recommended we build a wall with a “big beautiful door” for people to come in legally.
Rubio’s stance was that while we need a fence, we need figure out what we would do if “El Chapo digs a hole under it.”
Ben Carson, after taking a 40-minute hiatus, reminded everyone that the most important thing that we can have is a brain.
Terrorism and Homeland Security
Rand referred to himself as the leading voice in America for not funding allies of ISIS. He clarified that we did not create ISIS, but ISIS created themselves, and advocated for collecting information from terrorists instead of average citizens.
Christie, who was appointed U.S. Attorney for the District of New Jersey just days before 9/11, highlighted that experience as one that has made him capable of dealing with terrorism. Christie also argued against Rand’s stance on information-collection.
When Megyn asked Carson about his views on waterboarding, he said, “I wouldn’t necessarily be broadcasting what we’re going to do,” arguing that we should stop fighting politically correct wars -- a point that Trump repeatedly pointed out as well.
Education and Tax
There wasn’t really enough of either of these topics to put them in separate categories. Bush’s view was that the federal government should not be involved in curriculum content; each state should be able to decide whether to opt in. He mentioned that during his reign as governor he improved Florida’s graduation rate by 50 percent.
Rubio, another Florida Man, believes that the Department of Education will never be satisfied, and will “turn it into a mandate and use common core to force down throats” of states. Aggressive. Rubio pointed out that we need to even out the tax code for small businesses and improve higher education so everyone has access to skills they need to succeed in life.
Kasich said he wants to tax pimps.
Donald Trump
Other highlights include Donald Trump. He was certainly targeted for a variety of specific questions by the moderators, and while I wouldn’t use the word tactful for the way he handled them, I would say he answered them honestly.
The very first question revealed that he would not be opposed to running as an independent if he didn’t get the GOP nomination. While none of the other candidates said they would leave the party, who really knows what they would do? He also threw back questions regarding choice words he has called women, by saying that he was only talking about Rosie O’Donnell. If you didn’t laugh at this, you are lying to yourself. Everyone knows I am a big women’s rights advocate, and even I laughed. I don’t necessarily like him, and I think we are spending way too much energy on him. Heck, I'm guilty, too -- I dedicated a whole paragraph to him.
Closing Question
The final question of the debate came from a home viewer: “I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first,” otherwise known as the, “Are any of you having delusions or hearing voices?” question. This was the perfect time for candidates to launch into the “my father was a…” phase of the evening (this is definitely where most drinking games peaked).
Cruz, who looks like he was one of the kids who was shoved on the playground, kicked us off by completing the sentence with “alcoholic.” Kasich followed up with “mailman,” and Rubio came full circle with “bartender.” After Huckabee and Walker, viewers began wondering if the political debate had sneakily transitioned into Catholic Mass.
There were definitely some surprises and a lot of not-surprises, but for a 2 hour 10 minute endeavor, the debate sure was able to hold attention. Serious topics were addressed, and at the end of the day, the craziness didn’t really undermine the real issues. Does a (faux) debate really change that many voter opinions? I don’t know -- I’m not a statistician, and Buzzfeed hasn’t posted an article about it yet. All I know is that I am an independent, and I can’t wait to throw the same amount of shade after the Democratic Presidential Debate. Here’s to hoping the Dems provide our bloggers, tweeters, and obnoxious Facebook posters with the same amount of material as this one did.
*Depends on your definition of the word “fact”
