Growing up, I had an off and on relationship with faith and religion. My family was the type that would go to church for the big Catholic holidays, like Christmas and Easter, but rarely on just your average Sunday. My brother and I received our childhood sacraments, such as being baptized, receiving our first communion and being confirmed as members of the Catholic church, but I grew up with children all around me doing the same things, so I didn’t feel that “life-changing moment” that people always have when they discover their faith. I even went to private school for a few years and would attend weekly mass and have religion class. But, even at 9 years old, I felt like it was just another subject in school and memorizing prayers for a grade out in the hallway during religion class felt like I was being judged on if I knew who and what God stood for.
However, it was at that time that I started to pray. I was in third grade and my religion teacher asked us all if we prayed each day. Every child raised their hand, except me. At the time, I never even considered doing that, because it wasn’t how I grew up. But on that day, I decided to pray before I went to bed. That decision has continued every day for 12 years and counting and I still start and end my prayer the same way I did that first day, asking for forgiveness and thanking God for what I have been given.
That wasn’t the only day I discovered my faith though. When I was a junior in high school, I decided to do something different during the Catholic season of Lent. Instead of giving something up, I decided to read one verse from my Bible and write about how it made me feel. That started a new ritual of reading and writing in my Bible each day as a way to read God’s word. This helped me discover that God’s word can be applied to real life and the message will always stand the test of time.
The day I discovered my faith was the day I discovered what church was. As I said growing up, I always felt like church was a place where I would be judged for what I have done and I need to honor God’s word by listening to a traditional mass and receiving communion as something that would make me a better person. Now that is not to say that doing that is a bad thing, but I felt like I didn’t fit in the “club”. As a person with anxiety that can cripple me, especially in new or uncomfortable situations, I wanted a place where I could go and know I could be with God and feel and hear his word with others. I didn’t want to fear church, I wanted to be accepted as I am and be comfortable. I knew about a Christian church in my community that streams their services on the internet. I watched the first service this past weekend and I LOVED it. I mean for a person to be able to be with God in their bedroom and hear his word from a pastor and be moved. God is SO GOOD! Of course, I can still attend the services in person, but I found that God can be anywhere (even your bedroom) and love can be felt if you discover what God means to you. I want to continue to grow my faith and keep having days where I discover my faith, but I know that even though all of these days I have been alone in making these decisions, I have never been truly alone because I am growing closer to God.
