That morning, I woke up nervously with my hands quivering and anxiety rippling through my entire body. The day before, I had done something I could never undo, something that many will not understand; but at the moment my finger felt the trigger, a calmness entered my body, the cold metal against my neck promised me something: a calmness that gave me hope I would not have to face my past or my failures.This calmness promised me that maybe I could feel whole again, that maybe I would not have to awake with the pain from yesterday once more. That maybe, just maybe my heartbeat would not be fighting to break through my chest and at night when my head is spinning, she could come to a rest. With all that aside, I cannot take it back and here I am looking in the mirror with no image looking back. In a way this was comforting because I was not able to see my imperfections, I didn't have to see the blackheads on my nose or the extra fat on my thighs. So far, this is a pretty great day.
Oh no, I am already running late. Mom usually yells for me to get downstairs to get ready for school, how strange. Oh well, she must be downstairs because fixing her dumb turkey bacon with egg whites like every morning. Why isn't she down here? The house is so quiet. The echoes down the staircase of Mom and Dad yelling were nonexistent. The silence was ringing in my ears. One last step... and wow my Mother looks really different. She is not in her usual pencil skirt, blazer apparel. I see that her eyes are fixed on an object in the living room. It was a pile of things. The picture of when I won my first spelling bee, my soccer trophies, my favorite stuffed animal. My everything that I had in memories was sitting in that pile on the living room floor. I didn't understand. Where was she in these moments? I wanted to share each of these with her.
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The good grades, being a student athlete, all of that was for my family. But they never noticed. No matter how much I wanted to eat dinner together for a night. There was always a deposition, there was always more paperwork at the office. They failed to realize that there would never be more me. Deep in my thoughts, I did not even hear the screen door swing open. Something felt different, it was not the usual silence I was accustomed to. My father forcefully pushed his presence into the room and slapped my mother so hard that I flinched back for her. It all made sense. Her late nights at the office, why I always sent to one after school program to one summer camp after another. In my eyes she is more than I ever imagined, I wish I could be there for her now when she was there to protect me.
This story I have told is meant to share with you, there is ALWAYS a reason to live. There are things we may not understand when we are in the moment up against our own being. Trials make us feel as if all we have is ourselves and that is a hopeless feeling, there are things beyond our own understanding but we are meant to live through these things. Because one day, you may be able to save someone else from your current position. To live and to care for others is a blessing that cannot be taken for granted.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
