So, I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Literally. As I'm typing this I have just shut the book on its final pages and am feeling many emotions and thinking a lot of things. I gotta say I was pretty bummed when I first learned that this was going to be a play and not a book, but... I get it. Do I think it would have made a good book? Yes. It would have been a bomb ass book. Do I think it would have been a long book? Yes. We're probably looking at a book the size of Les Miserables if I'm being completely honest. Am I upset that I probably won't ever be able to see the play? Of fucking course. Will there be a movie? Who knows. But Warner Brother's has called dibs already called dibs. It is slightly upsetting that the majority of Harry Potter fans will only (as far as we know) be able to interact with this story through the published script and I can only hope that either an official recording of the play is released or that some kind soul sneaks a recording device into the show and... you know... records it... illegally... ahem.

I don't want to give away any spoilers so I'm going to try to give those of you who haven't had a chance to read this story a review that won't ruin the plot. This is hard, and this article might seem a bit scattered because I am suppressing letting out all of my emotions in a burst that will literally spoil every single moment of this play because everything is so interconnected but man, this play... this play is gold.

A lot happens in this story. And a lot... doesn't happen. The plot takes place in the past, present, future, distant past, and many alternative presents. How could this be? Channel your inner Hermione Granger and you'll know. You see many different sides of the Harry Potter universe and because this story exists so fluidly throughout time you get a better grip on who the characters are. Let me tell you, I thought I knew every little inch of Harry Potter's inner psyche. I read all seven books. Watched all eight movies. Reread all seven books. I thought I fucking knew Harry Potter. This script. These 315 pages proved to offer more of an insight into Harry Potter's inner functioning then all 4,224 pages of the series. This play exposes not only Harry but a whole bunch of other characters too. You experience their trauma in ways that the books never allowed you to. Honestly, I never thought I could be more connected to these characters.

This play wasn't written for Harry Potter. It wasn't written for his children. It was written for us. For the fans who will always wonder if their Hogwarts letter got stolen. This story will take you by the heart strings and lead you through many, many unexpected twists and turns while drudging up old memories that you wanted to stay hidden beneath the surface of your childhood. Like literally, you will not expect shit to get as real as it gets in Part Two. You think it's bad, and then it gets worse, then a little better, then a whole hell of a lot worse.

If you read the series you know the deep, dark pit of angst that is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'm just going to tell you to be prepared for that level of angst to show up consistently throughout this play. It's as if J.K. Rowling, John Tiffany, and Jack Throne were channeling 15-year-old Harry while writing this. To be fair, it's not annoying to the level of "why am I stuck in your damn ass head Harry why can't Neville be narrating this story you insufferable twat face" that the fifth book was as this angst is broken up by hilarious dad jokes, beautifully articulated sass, and amazingly dry humor. But it's still very angsty. And dark. Holy hell is Act Three dark.

Truth be told, I don't want to give too much away, but I did have three minor grievances with this play. The first being that my one true love, Neville Longbottom was not a more prominent fixture in the play. The second being that the play, sadly, did not feature any Quidditch. I wanted to imagine actors running around on stage with brooms, I feel cheated out of this vision. The third being that a certain someone showed up within these pages and I can never forgive the almighty J.K. Rowling for crafting this character in the first place and now for bringing this particular person back. It was uncalled for. That's all I'm saying.

The cursed child is not one singular being. You think you know who it is. You're right. But you're also wrong. Coming from an English major I'm just going to say, we're all the cursed child. Cursed by loving this stupid series about wizards so damn much. I loved reading this script and momentarily traveling back to Hogwarts and allowing the characters that inhabited my childhood to once again run rampant throughout my imagination. It was the perfect way to end the canon Harry Potter story. But, as we all know, the story will forever live on in our hearts, minds, and souls.