All of my life I have been loud, seriously ask anyone, it’s my identifier. But what happens when I don’t feel like being with people? Why do I always have to bring the energy? Am I being rude? Do people not like me? Those thoughts race though my mind every second I speak in class, but I just can’t help it. I have these needs to just burst what I’m thinking, sometimes I get lucky and there is a filter and I can hold in the wave of word nonsense that can spill out.
“But that’s who you are!” Well I don’t like it! People recharge me, I don’t like how dependent I’ve became to others. If I’m forced to be alone with my own thoughts for more than an hour I feel so drained and self-conscious about every little thing and it scares me. When did this all start? Why is it happening to me?
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For me, being an extrovert is like breathing with a small weight on my chest, sometimes it is lighter than others. That just means that the times that it’s heavy are really hard to stay upbeat and positive. It is like wearing a second layer of skin that tightens when I feel drained.
I didn’t ask for my volume of tone, nor do I approve being known for that. What I pride myself on are the things I accomplished, not what others allowed me to participate. Being around people all the time, even on a small campus, but you’re not making any real connections, that’s exhausting to me. Talking to people while I’m waiting in line to get my sandwich about how awesome the lunch ladies are or over hearing a conversation and just deciding to jump in--now that I’m actually thinking it out it’s a little creepy--but that’s who I am. Not just someone who yells and has to be in your face.
When anxiety and depression mark their territory, every single word you say is energy gone and sends fear rushing though my entire body. I can only hope that the words I just spilled together are coherent and they make sense. It is like someone just watched you litter and called you out for it. If I don’t talk in class, I let anxiety win the day. Heaven forbid I feel any sadness of anger, or maybe just have an off day. The constant “are you okay?” “You just aren’t being you”’s drive me freaking insane. I know what happening right now in my body, you want to know why? Because it is my body. When I tell people what is wrong I feel guilty for leaving all of my stress on top of that person, so my depression wins that day.
Do yourself a favor, hug your extrovert friend, they probably need it more than you think. I am at terms with how loud I am, with how others think of me, and how I think of me.
