This piece took me an unusual length of time to write because it was incredibly difficult for me to put into adequate words what makes my stomach churn, my throat close, my heart writhe and unrelentless tears flow.
And that is this undeniable, sickening, rape culture we live in today. (Yet, I’m still unsure of whether or not I have sufficiently covered what so badly needs to be discussed so I’m leaving it in your capable hands.)
And, even once I had this article written, I struggled with the idea of publishing it. Hearing Tarana Burke speak just about a week ago gave me the final bit of empowerment I needed. (Thanks, Taranna!)
Yes, I know. This is a topic that has been talked about and shared and seemingly supported, yet… nothing seems to ever come of it and I am afraid that the more we become desensitized to it, the more we see it in the news and online, the more we struggle to know how to even begin to make a difference because it seems so overwhelmingly intangible to do so… I fear this topic will slowly fade from the lips of people around the world and then never, truly never, will anything change. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the farthest thing from acceptable. I will not stand for it and I am quite literally begging you not to either.
When I was in highschool, I’m not sure that I fully understand what “rape culture” meant, or rather the true implications of it. I grew up in a safe city, with familiar streets and knew just about everyone I passed on those streets. Sure, I knew what rape and sexual assault were. I knew that both were two of the most heinous crimes that anyone could ever commit. And I knew that no matter what anyone said, she was NOT asking for it and the phrase “boys will be boys” should never leave anyone’s lips.
I guess what I didn’t really understand is how rampant rape culture is, how detrimental it is or the truest of the grim realities of it. I didn’t understand that when I went to college, I would get emails from our PD at least once every two weeks of a reported rape or sexual assault. I didn’t understand that some boys truly, wholeheartedly believe that they are entitled. I didn’t realize that girls are just expected not to walk alone, especially at night, but nothing is ever said to boys. And I never thought that I would know rape and sexual assault survivors.
I sincerely didn’t realize how intense and uncontrollable rape culture had become.
What I did understand the realities of were more seemingly minor occurrences: dick pics, catcalling, the requests for nudes and sexual harassment. I just didn’t fully understand how all of these things related to rape culture.
But they do, they are all unwanted sexual advances that some men for some inexplicable reason seem to find acceptable, or at least justifiable. And they get away with it.
So, let’s get a few things straight.
Dick pics are not acceptable. They are unwanted, unwarranted, not humorous and actually are a form of harassment. Men that send pictures of their penises have made one ridiculous assumption: that girls want to see their penis. Or maybe they think that it will make girls “want them more” or make them seem more masculine. Wrong. That assumption is never an acceptable one to make and it is seldom correct. It should be up to the girl when, AND IF, she wants to see something that is meant to be private.
And catcalling. In no way is this flattering. Girls don’t want to hear about how “massive their ass is” or “how good you’d look in my bed” (things that even as highschool girl, I had heard said to me.) Catcalling is actually severely degrading and shaking to a girl’s self-confidence; but, of course, no girl wants to talk about that. It gets shrugged off like it doesn’t really affect them, but it does. It makes girls question if there are quality men out there, if they ever will get to be in a real, serious, committed relationship or if perhaps all guys really do just want one thing. It needs to stop.
Oh and let’s not forget about the worst pickup line of all time. “Send nudes.” Do you realize that all this line does is objectify women and make them feel like a piece of meat? No, no because if you ask this question all you’re really thinking about is yourself and you really shouldn’t be allowed to talk to women until you realize that they deserve to be treated with respect and recognized for traits that truly matter.
All of these issues tie into rape culture. Do you see it? Men feel entitled, they don’t think about women or how they make women feel and they act without fear of consequences due to excuses such as “boys will be boys.”
“Boys will be boys.” I still stumble back a few feet every time I hear that phrase, especially when it comes out of someone else’s mouth in a legitimate manner because I cannot even begin to understand how such a ludicrous phrase could possibly exist… especially as a valid excuse.
When’s the last time you heard “Girls will be girls” as an excuse for a girl sending an inappropriate photo or committing a heinous crime? Oh, that’s right. Never. Not because girls don’t sometimes do inappropriate or illegal things, but because society does not let them get away with such things just because they have a vagina.
The dictionary defines “human being” as this: “a man, woman, or child of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other animals by superior mental development, power of articulate speech, and upright stance.” Notice that one of the options was “man” and that one of the distinctions of such a being was “superior mental development.”
If we, as a society, assume and believe that just because the males in our species have a floppy thing called a penis where women have a vagina, eliminates a male’s ability to think morally, ethically or even remotely intelligently or coherently… then I’ve honestly lost all faith in our so-called “evolved,” “advanced” society.
Women have the strength to bring life into this world and the gentleness to give nutrients to that life; and, I’m simply not sure how “intelligent” or “advanced” a society can possibly be if they let their women be treated with anything less than respect on the basis of “boys will be boys.”
When I finally went off to college, I was stunned at the grimmest realities of rape culture.
Within my first week of school, I got hired as a security guard with a company that took care of concerts, sports games and a variety of other events; and, I was thrilled to have a job to help pay for school. What I didn’t realize was that come basketball season, I would have to ask all spectators (men, women and even children) entering the arena to unzip their jackets so that I could see that they were not concealing anything- alcohol, weapons, liquid or other dangerous items. What this meant for me was that an uncomfortable number of men found it acceptable to make sexual innuendos, hit on me, offer to take off more than just their coat for me and even go as far as to attempt to dance on me. And I… I was expected to just brush it off and act like it didn’t matter, when in fact… IT DOES MATTER. Unwanted sexual advances are not acceptable, they are not wanted and they are NOT amusing. This is my body, my dignity, my respect and you don’t get to demean that by assuming that I think the thought of you naked is humorous or even slightly appealing.
What shocked me even more was the bar scene. I remember there was one night that my friend and I went out and I ended up dancing with this guy. At the end of the night, he asked me “What are you doing after this?” When I politely declined, he instead asked for my number and I reluctantly gave it to him. The following day, he texted me and long story short… I asked him what his first thought was when I started dancing with him and his exact words were “I thought you were drunk. But then you started dancing on me and I was okay with that.” I remember reading that text and not quite understanding the implications of it. (For the record, not that it should matter, I wasn’t drunk. I hadn’t had even one drink.) I was willing to accept that considering we were at a bar, that’s normally what happens- people get a little tipsy (or drunk) and they dance together... so his assumption may not have been totally outlandish; but, what I then realized was that he had attempted to convince me to come home with him regardless of the fact that he thought I was drunk. He, a level headed, sober man had decided that despite the fact that I was drunk and not of a sound mind to make any decision (especially one as drastic as sleeping with a stranger) he had the right to take me home. Let me tell you gentleman, if she is not of a clear mind… then it is your duty as a GENTLEMAN to either leave her the hell alone or make sure that she gets home safely, into her bed… alone. A drunk girl is not a “go” signal, it’s a “stop” signal. If you have any respect for your mother, your sister, your aunt or any close female relative... then you will understand this: IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO COERCE, OR EVEN ASK, A DRUNK GIRL TO HAVE SEX. And you are not of a sound mind yourself if you think it is.
Ironically, not even a few weeks after this happened I was speaking with one of my guy friends who attends a University states away from me who had an encounter not all that different from mine. He explained that one night while he was out, a man he had never met before pointed out this obviously intoxicated woman and told him that he should go and take her home because “if he didn’t, someone else was going to.” And despite how wonderful and strong my friend was in using his strong, grown-up, male voice to explain why that is in no way justifiable, the man just laughed and walked away (likely to tell another guy to take her home or to take her home himself.)
In all of these situations, it comes down to this: certain men seem to feel entitled to what is in no way, shape or form “theirs for the taking.”
NEWS FLASH:
- A girl can initially consent to sex and not even halfway through change her mind and you have to stop because no matter what, “no” means “no.”
- A girl can be wearing nothing but a bra and if she says she’s not interested then she’s not interested and you need to leave her the hell alone.
- A girl can be slobbering drunk (to the extent that she might not even remember you tomorrow) and that is a sign that you either need to help her get home alone or back to a group of friends that will look out for her. It is not a sign that you should try and get her into bed.
- A girl could have consented to sex, and even had sex, with you just last night but if she says “no” tonight then that still means “no.”
- You can be married, or in a relationship with a woman, and if she doesn’t want to have sex… then you can’t have sex.
- And if she’s incapable of giving a reasoned, coherent response… then that means “no” too.
- No means fucking no regardless of any other circumstances.
And the things that happened to me, the things I witnessed firsthand with horror… don’t even begin to compare to the stories I have heard from friends. It makes me sick to say this, but I actually feel rather lucky to not have had to deal with more than I have.
I now personally know sexual assault and rape survivors. I know women who have contemplated taking their own lives because a man felt he had the right to take their virginities. I know a girl who was pressured into giving a blow job she wasn’t ready to give and now her ideals for what sex should be and involve are drastically skewed, possibly forever. I know women who are petrified to sleep at night without checking that their doors are locked 10 times over and who never walk anywhere without their finger poised on their pepper spray. I know women who will likely forever be in therapy and struggle with trust in relationships because their understandings of men and relationships were shattered before they even had their first period.
And it breaks my heart in a way I cannot even begin to explain.
And, here’s the real issue: people need to stop telling girls to walk in groups, take self defense classes and carry pepper spray... they need to start telling boys that they are in control of their own actions, their own words and that they are not, in any way, ever going to be entitled to any aspect of a woman- her number, her address, her smile or her body. Because I should not have to live in fear that a boy is going to lose total control of his actions and then be asked ‘Well, what were you wearing?” I should not have to adjust my lifestyle to cater to the idea that boys cannot control themselves. I should not have to even think about protecting myself in going about my day to day activities. Neither should my sister, my best friend, my Aunt or my Professor.
And people need to SPEAK UP. Because you are just as much at fault for letting something like this occur as you are if you’re the one committing the crime. Rape culture is never going to change unless YOU make it. I can’t end rape culture all by myself and neither can you; but, we can both make a difference in the lives of women. And, together, we can work to begin to end rape culture by standing up for women, by not becoming desensitized by the media and by not letting this conversation end.
Because It’s real. This culture that seemed so unfathomable because of how ridiculously ignorant, asinine and presumptuous it is… is absolutely, without a doubt, unwaveringly real. It’s real in your hometown, it’s real across the world and it’s real for every single woman alive today.
Therefore, today I challenge you. Yes, YOU reading this right now. I challenge you to never again stand silent in discomfort. I challenge you to be strong enough to stand up for women that aren’t coherent enough or are too scared, or vulnerable, to stand up for themselves. I challenge you to protect the women around you when you see that they may be entering a risky situation, perhaps without realizing it. I challenge you to be an advocate for any and all women that endure unwanted sexual advancements.
But, perhaps most of all, I CHALLENGE YOU to not let this conversation end. To scream until your lungs give out about these horrendous things that we are all becoming desensitized to. To fight for what you know is right. To not laugh off uncomfortable situations but to start a real discussion about them. To make a difference in the lives of women by reminding them that they are not alone and that not all men have a false sense of entitlement.
Rape culture is real. It’s so much more gruesome and sweeping than most can even bear to think about and it is for that reason that we cannot let this conversation end, because when we stop talking about it… we are leaving women, both direct and indirect victims, afraid and alone.
This conversation MUST NOT END until it is the perpetrators that feel afraid and alone.
I know this conversation is unbelievably difficult to have and it’s uncomfortable and it makes people squirm but it has to happen because if it doesn’t then nothing is ever going to change.
Therefore, I leave you with this: if it were your daughter, your mother, your aunt, your sister, your best friend… wouldn’t you want someone to protect her?
That woman over there- she is someone’s mom, best friend, sister, aunt.
And someone is waiting to hear from her tomorrow.
Be the reason that they do.
