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Health and Wellness

The Confessions of A Pure Romance Consultant

Oh, you sell sex toys.

Bree Carey

Jan 23, 2017

Hamline University

497

The Confessions of A Pure Romance Consultant

Independent

When I say

I am a Pure Romance Consultant

People respond

Oh, you sell sex toys.

They spit the phrase like it's

a dirty word.

They treat me like

I said I sell drugs

Or my body

Or my soul.

They think that

Just because I sell sex toys

They can make crude remarks

About my work

About my clients

About my body

About me.

But when I say

I am a Pure Romance Consultant

I mean a lot more.

I mean

I am a Relationship Saver

What I have here in this bag

Yes, it can fix the problems you have in bed.

She says she hasn't had sex in two years

Because she isn't attracted to him anymore

She says she is afraid she doesn't love him

She doesn't know that the medications she takes for her anxiety,

The ones that allow her to leave the house each day,

Have stolen her desire

And dried her loins

Til they are barren as the Sahara.

I am a Problem Solver

Because I've Got A Product For That!

I am a body teacher.

The things I have been trained in

Yes I can help you.

She says she has never orgasmed.

She doesn't know how.

She wonders if she is broken.

She doesn't know how to please herself,

Let alone how to let a man please her.

I am an Educator.

Because I've Got A Product For That

And sweetheart, call me when it works

Because I'm gonna buy you a balloon.

I am a Cheerleader

because I won't judge you the way others will.

Yes, I think you are a good person.

She worries she isn't worth a man's touch

Because she has been touched so much

And she cringes away

Thinking words like "Whore" and "Slut"

But I am an encourager

And I've Got A Product for That.

Because she deserves to feel cherished.

So yes I sell sex toys

But I also sell more than that.

I sell confidence in a bottle.

I sell liquid libido.

I sell a happier sex life

I sell better self-esteem

I sell relaxation in a busy life

And excitement in a boring night

I can't sell happiness

But I can sell Pure Romance

And that is basically the same thing.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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The Confessions of A Pure Romance Consultant

Oh, you sell sex toys.

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Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

The ultimate list and gif guide to a college student's brain during finals.

What does the world outside the library look like?

Can I read this entire book tonight?

I should have gone to class more often.

Did the professor even teach this?

What is the lowest grade I can get on this exam and still pass the class?

Should I just drop out of school now?

Finals are ruining Christmas.

Just wrote three sentences so time for a break.

Need. More. Coffee.

What is sleep?

I'm too stupid for college.

Brain hurts.

Time for a Facebook Break.

I think I'm dying.

When will I ever need this information in the real world?

I can't read any of my notes.

I need my mom.

When was the last time I showered?

I need study snacks.

The struggle is so real right now.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

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