You know those night when the talks get deep and the emotions flow? Did you ever stop and look at the clock? Chances are it's after midnight. As time ticks on the secrets are spilled and the words you would never speak are flowing out like a river.
The night brings out the best, the worse and the strange in us all. I remember reading somewhere a quote that goes "if you're up past 12 you're most likely lonely, horny, or talking to a friend." I think that is the most honest quote I have read. It's the truth. If you're home alone chances are you're by yourself, talking to a friend in person or on the phone, or you're horny. Looking for someone to spend the night with.
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Looking back to the years I spent alone awake at night, I was in a pretty dark place. I was having constant suicidal thoughts and depression running through my mind. It was pretty lonely. I noticed that these nights were spent trying to find meaning. Looking for one simple reason to continue. Every night I managed to find one single reason. That one reason kept me going so I could see the following night just to do the same routine. Today, I am staying awake at night and they're usually not spent alone. Most nights that I am up past 12 now, I am 9 times out of 10 talking to a friend. You don't know how good that feels to say. Going from night to night looking for a reason to live to simply living for the sake of living.
Now, don't get me wrong, there is still nights when I'm alone. There is still some nights where shit gets so real, it feels like I can't handle it, but the clock ticks on and the sun comes up and life is still worth living for. Hell, there are even some nights I want to be alone. Some nights I just need some time to collect all my thoughts and figure out what I am doing. Where I want to go and how I plan to get there. That's not a bad thing. The nights I choose to spend alone are for productive reasons instead of self-hating reasons. Instead of tearing myself down, I am figuring out ways to build myself up and overall improve my whole being.
I'd be selfish to say I figured this out all on my own. The nights I spent venting to others and trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with myself, my mind and my life did not come easy. To those of you who listened to this rants and tried to convince me otherwise even when I see no worth, thank you. I can't express how much that means. I didn't save myself on my own. I had help from others and support. If I didn't meet the people I have. I think I can honestly say, I wouldn't be around to write this.
I feel like I don't have to list names. At the end of the day, I know who helped me. I know who listened to my rants. I know that if they're reading this right now, they will know it is them I am talking about.
The night will always come and the darkness will fall, but will you be alone, together, or looking for someone is up to you. Just remember...
The clock ticks on...
