I first felt it after Freshman year--yes, that early--when I nearly had to leave university due to my grades, and I just really did not feel like going back. Pre-Med is hard, but not having the heart and brain to go into it while studying it is even harder. I didn't know what I was feeling other than depressed, guilt-ridden, and extremely unmotivated.

I had never felt unmotivated before. I was the weird kid who loved homework and told my family I liked the standardized testing (MEAP if you were a Michigan-Based Millenial) because I got to spend a lot longer of a period of time on one subject than hopping around all day.

I suddenly dreaded the idea of going to classes and hated registration, even with changing my major to my real skill set in Literature. I took one semester during Sophomore year to raise my GPA with gen-eds, but it never felt worth it. I got elected to the position of president in my favorite student organization, and that was all I had for a while.

At the end of that year, I was told I was nominated for recognition at an award ceremony for this, and that was when I finally heard the word I had been feeling on and off again for the past four semesters: Burn-Out.

"Y'all, burn-out is real," she said into the mic after spending a very long time being the GA of the Resource Center. And wow, I realized I was already feeling it - "But I'll be fine, I'll just keep on pushing on! Fake it 'til you make it!" was my motto all summer and Junior year.

And Junior year did happen. It was my worst year of college ever. I was late to every single class, I used every absence I was allowed to, did nothing but sleep and avoid the world. I slept like crazy, my emotions were at rock bottom and turning into dust, and I did whatever it took to get by and do it crazily.

I very shamefully tell the story of how I completely forgot I had a mid-term in a class, barely touched the books (ouch, I'm sorry, I love books, I promise) and literally got a 100% on that midterm. I tape it to the wall to remind me that even in hard times, I succeed.

But I definitely had three hours of panic immediately after turning the blue book in. I still panic thinking about walking into that period. Don't even ask me about my Bible course.

The Burn-Out hit me like a train Junior year. I hated school, I hated the organization I built from the ground up. I hated the way other people made me feel. I hated classes. I hated reading.

I was a Literature major who hated reading.

I was crying so often that on days where I didn't I was so surprised that I started crying about how I hadn't cried. I managed to hide how often I was shaking. I managed to Fake It 'til I Made it in all my classes and passed. Even got my GPA to raise a bit. But man, I hated it all, and it nearly destroyed me to do it.

After taking the necessary precautions to stop feeling the burn-out as acutely as I did when I entered my senior year, I started saying, "it's just the last two semesters. It won't be bad!"

It was a nice thought, but also naive.

Senior year has been kicking me in the gut every five minutes. There are money issues. There are fears, projects, money issues, and friendships to maintain. There's a new job and internship applications. On top of everything else? A classmate from high school recently died. Again, there are money issues. There's my mom, my sister, my family, and there are friends. Can't forget there are money issues. Can you tell where my anxiety planted its roots?

Senior year Burn-Out is arguably worse than any other. I am literally holding my graduation cap and yet have the dread of "I'm never getting out of here, so what's the point?" I see friends on a daily basis and have to pretend that I have all the energy in the world to pull myself by the bootstraps to turn in assignments on a Friday when I had just finished a ten-hour shift at work.

I have to pretend that I have no idea that there were assignments and reading prompts on Sunday night because Sunday night was after a 5 hour early open shift and 5 hour meetings in heels that are slightly too small and I just don't feel like prioritizing a two paragraph response to a fourteen page article when I'm tired and hungry.

This Burn-Out drills you from the inside out: you start by losing the emotional investment, then the physical investment takes its toll and you just stop standing up to do the things. A lot of people call this "depression," but as someone who also knows what that is, this is its own beast. Burn-Out is the other supervillain in town that just gives a respectful nod to Depression when you're just trying to save yourself.

Man, I am tired, and that phrase might go on my graduation cap with glitter and flowers.