As fireworks and friends surrounded me on the first night of the new year, I knew this was going to be a year to remember. Nothing stood in my way because I was determined. I would take the chances I normally say no to. I would work harder than ever before. I would live with a burning passion which couldn’t be extinguished.
Halfway through the year, my fire was obliterated. How did my year of opportunity turn upside down in the blink of an eye? Within two months of each other, I experienced two tragic losses.
At the end of the semester, I was ecstatic about my straight A’s and the summer sun awaiting me. Until the first tremor through my world occurred when I was least expecting it. A tragic plane crash led to the loss of a very good friend and his brother.
The darkness began approaching.
Losing these two amazing men was my first experience with death since I was young. The night terrors came back full force. The guilt of being happy when they couldn’t be enclosed around me. How do you get over tragedy when you wake up and think everything was a sick nightmare?
Slowly, I found myself getting back on track. I started setting goals and writing my endless amounts of lists. I began looking forward to the future again. My family vacation was coming up, and I was more excited than ever. The endless laughs and reminiscing were everything I needed to get a piece of myself back.
Cue tremor number two.
The second day of family vacation, the world is turning at the same speed it turns every day. Until, my world stopped spinning.
Cousin.
The only words I remember hearing race through my mind every day.
Night terrors.
Guilt.
Questions.
The darkness had been so long approaching. Lingering in the shadows. Watching as I laughed, waiting for it's time to completely engulf me. The patience of the ever-awaiting darkness paid off. Shredding every existence of light in my life, a darkness I had never known clinched my soul with full force. Days were filled with nothing. My heart continued beating, but my body never moved.
What’s the point?
The question of all questions made a visit every hour on the hour. We chatted for a few minutes each time. At the end of every visit, I still had no answers, so I sent it on its way.
Where do you go from there? When your world isn’t moving, but everything around it is. When you can’t be alone with your own thoughts because they only bring you pain. When that futile question continuously knocks on your door and screams for you to open it.
As the hardest months of my life have come and gone, I am left with the ashes of my extinguished fire.
The point is, there is no point.
There does not have to be a reason for everything. There are some things we just cannot explain, and that’s okay. No one ever said life was easy. No one ever gave you the guidelines to a perfect world. No one ever told you there had to be a point to everything you do.
Some things happen to bring you down or make you stronger. Some things are meant to tear you apart before you find yourself again. Nothing in this world is pointless, but it doesn’t mean there has to be a point to all of the tragedy and despair we will never be able to run from.
You know what there is? You. You are the point to everything. You are what matters when the world is crashing around you.
We may lose those we love, but they are with us in every way, shape, and form. Wait patiently for the moments when they reveal themselves to you. They remind us every day that they never actually left our lives. But when you lose yourself, there is nothing left.
The darkness waits, but it is not invincible. Ignite your flames. Make the darkness cower in fear, as it has done to you for far too long. There is nothing more glorious than taking back what is rightfully yours.
We can continue searching for the answers we desire, but in the meantime, don’t get lost on the way there.
