Last week I experienced my first emergency room visit for anxiety. That was a day after I wrote the article entitled "Just Because I Have An Anxiety Disorder Does Not Make Me Any Less Of A Person." That was six days after I first noticed something was wrong with my anxiety, and five days after I registered my animal for emotional support. It was four days after my friends and I got into a huge fight, three days after I slept for eighteen hours, two days after I was on a double dose of XANAX, and than the day came where everything went downhill.
Just one week really changed everything for me. I went from crying in a shower because I was feeling anxious, to calling my parents and saying "something is really wrong." I went from being able to leave my apartment, to not wanting to get out of bed the whole day- and actually staying in it for the entire day. I stopped eating, I doubled up on my Zoloft, and started taking Xanax. I even thought my asthma was acting up, given that my breathing was becoming affected, and my chest was getting tight. I couldn't go an hour without breaking down and crying, and most of the time it was un-provoked. I couldn't concentrate on schoolwork, and ultimately, I didn't know how to fix myself.
The anxiety I experienced not only manifested as physical signs, but also as emotional/aggressive signs. The entire week consisted of me lashing out on my "friends" (I put friends in quotation marks because during my lowest point, they weren't there for me), and my boyfriend. I lost two friends because of my anxiety and panic disorder, and while it sucks, I realized that I need to be there for me, and not everybody can handle what i'm going through.
The entire time I was at the emergency room, I kept apologizing to everyone. I apologized to Danielle, my best friend, for having to stay with me, to the nurses for wanting to help, to my parents for worrying them, to my friends for burdening them, and to my boyfriend for being stuck with someone who has so many "issues." Even in the middle of a huge panic attack, I was more focused on how I was affecting everyone around me. Typical anxiety, right?
I got asked the same questions at least ten times: "Do you want to harm yourself?" "Are you suicidal?" "Do you want to harm anybody else?" The answer was a hard no. Even at my lowest point, I would never consider doing things like that. But, I was still a threat to myself. Being in a mental state where you can't control how you feel or how you act isn't okay, it's actually pretty scary. Everyone thinks that anxiety and mental disorders are "just in someones' head", but I promise you, anyone who encountered me knew something was seriously wrong from the way I looked.
Luckily, my parents' drove six hours to come get me from school, so that I could be home and get the help I need. I am able to now get my medicines adjusted to hopefully get some anxiety relief. As it turns out, I am having more than just anxiety, as it may be brought on by hypo/hyper-thyroid problems. The bottom line is: If you feel like something is seriously wrong, stick with your gut. Having a mental disorder is hard, but it is one that needs to be treated. Don't wait until you get to the point I did- I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. Reaching out for help may be scary, but it is worth it. Your mental health is important, and you will make it out of your "issues."
