The breakup that broke me...
When you're 16 you fall in love easily. You oversee the doubts, and reasons why he's not the right guy. I did.
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The first year was wonderful. Full of laughs, smiles, and falling deeper in love with whom I thought was my soulmate. I loved looking past the tough guy with a hard head, seeing his vulnerable self who knew in his heart that he wanted me and only me. At least at the time.
Now on a different note. I've struggled with self-worth. I've struggled with depression. I've struggled with any and every girl posing as a threat to my relationship because of my own insecurities. Did that hinder our relationship in more ways than I can count? Hell yes it did.
I'm not going to sit here and bash his character. He is without a doubt a good guy. He has wonderful intentions and wishes nothing but the best for people, even strangers. Of course, he could be an ass, cocky, and sometimes jealous, but despite everything I cannot say he didn't love me. Yet still I wondered, does that mean he is the "one" for me?
I was not a perfect partner by any means. I hadn't always been honest, and we continued to grow up and go our separate ways. But he was still my best friend. And at the end of the day, that's what matters, right?
Five years later, bickering and not being able to figure it out for a long while, we are no longer together. I still find myself lost questioning who I am and my worth as a person. He was my best friend for a very long time. While other people came and went, he stayed. But people grow up, they sometimes grow apart.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that there is nothing harder than letting go of someone you want so badly to love. Because what you know is safe...and the thought of a life different than the one you planned for so long just isn't going to happen. It sucks. Piling on to the mountains of anxiety I have already.
The only liberating part of this experience is knowing I deserve to be loved for all of who I am. And I deserve to feel like enough. To know that the status of a relationship doesn't change day in and day out. Everyone deserves their own love story. Not a story with so many pages missing, that you don't even know what's going on anymore. We all deserve the kind of love that our cheeks hurt so bad from smiling.
The pain my heart endured was nothing short of complete devastation, he was my first love. What's amazing is not what knowing what rock bottom is, but knowing you deserve so much more. And you do. Be the best version of yourself, for yourself. You don't need a significant other to define your worth. Have faith in your own strength. I thought he was my only source of happiness. He's not. Nobody is.
