It was always you. The boy who tainted my innocence. From the second your fingertips brushed against my bare arm. From the moment your voice laid a beauty claim on my ears. When those three simple words slipped out from in between your lips, blowing into my lungs like gusts of oxygen, filling me up and escaping me again and again. It was as if I'd never been able to take a deep breath until the moment you told me you loved me. But, that's how I knew, my heart felt something unfamiliar the moment you wrapped your hands around it. Lucky for you, the warning signs looked like invitations, and your dark hoodie looked like shining Armour. Either way, it was always you.

The beginning of the end started with a boy who had bright blue eyes, and a mow-hawk, colored dirty blonde, soft to the touch. He spoke with love and simplicity, which made every nerve in my body tense up and feel at ease, all at the same time. His laughter filled my chest with tiny bubbles and butterflies, and his smile was utterly contagious. The beginning of the end started with a boy who promised me the world, and showed me hell. A boy who I still believe in, even if he still refuses to believe in himself, even after he took my heart and smushed it into the concrete ground like I was the end of a smoked cigarette, to be smoked up and put out, over and over again. The beginning of the end started with you. So this my love drunk beauty queen, is to you, and your fatal addiction of breaking people for the simple joy of being able to put them back together again.

I was two thousand and eight hundred miles away from everything and anything I'd been running from my entire life, ready to live my life with the freedom I was graced with, in the open air and the wide desert, to sleep under the star lit sky that stretched over the horizon like a safety blanket covering me in this cold world. I was ready to start fresh, start new, and detonate all things that gave me grief, and anger, and pain. And then, you happened.

When you found me I was lost, insecure, and afraid. I told you all the things that scared me, all things that broke me, all secrets that binded me together in a bundle of broken beautiful chaos. You unraveled all the ties that wrapped around my soul and plucked out all the pins in my skin of things I'd never been able to let go of. You held me in the dark and cold of the night, and spoke in the silence, when the words failed to escape my lips. You took all my insecurities, and told me that you could fix them. While I screamed into the depth of nothingness, begging you to stop prying, picking, and trying to fix, you continued to try to fix me. When you ripped off the band-aids, the cuts stung worse than before, and the bleeding didn't stop, and the bruises didn't heal. You were tearing me apart without even realizing it, and the funny thing was, I believed you when you said things would get better. We had a wildfire of a love, but we didn't realize that wildfires were meant to be put out.

The I love you fight's turned into screaming matches. The smiles turned into tears. The tickle rubs and loving kisses turned into cuts, burns, and bruises. The how was your day's turned into I want to be alone, and eventually? Forever & Always, turned into far far apart. But I continued to try, even when I was mentally exhausted and physically drained, even when I was broken and bruised, and bent out of shape, when you were done being angry I turned to you and I'd hug you. I'd tell you that we'd get through this, and when you were turning in on yourself I'd unfold you and tell you a hundred reasons as to why you shouldn't. But when I was the one on the ground, crying out in pain, wondering why the earth was spinning and the stars were shining when such detrimental feelings were filling my mind, you'd tell me to stop, to get over myself, I was over reacting and seeking for attention, and I needed to just stop and get over it. For all the things I was sad about, you'd tell me why they were dumb, why I was dumb. But for all things you were sad over? I gave you my heart, along with all the shattered pieces. I'd drop everything, for you, in hopes you'd smile. I was lighting myself on fire for the happiness of another person. And I couldn't stop.

I turned away from my family, my friends, all things I was passionate about , all things I loved. I stopped sleeping and eating, and I started spending all my time next to you, for being apart for ten minutes wasn't how healthy relationships worked in your eyes. Every move I made, was for you. Every thing I did, was for you. When you love someone enough, you forget to take care of yourself, and eventually your own needs fade away in replace of theirs.

You tainted me, and all things I believed in. You tainted the love in my hands and the hope in my soul. You tainted the shine in my eyes, and the pep in my step. You tainted the motivation in the pits of my body, and the passion in my heart. You tainted not only everything I am, but everything I could be for someone else. For when I will try to give my love to them, I'll remember, it was always you. But I thank you, for showing me the dangers of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and the problem with loving someone who doesn't love themselves.

The thing is, I love you. I always will, even if the burn marks and mental scars will never fade away, and even if I'm sitting on a porch right now in the freezing cold, crying because all I can think of is your goofy laugh, and the little smirk you gave me before eating my piece of pizza at my grandmas house. Our memories cloud my brain, but even if I'm crying, it makes me smile. Even if it hurts in the pit of my stomach, it makes me giggle. And even if it makes my chest tight, and my head dizzy, it makes my cheeks rosy with butterflies and my eyes bright with love. I would never have stopped giving you my life, but sometimes, loving each other isn't enough, and I needed to let go. Even if you tore me to pieces, my heart sits with you, in all that you do.

Forever & Always,

The girl who never gave up.