To The Boy Who Grew For Heaven,

I am not sure where to start, because there are so many things that deserve to be typed, written, and said about you. When I was in sixth grade, you were born into this beautiful world and I was probably the most excited girl at school. I wasn't able to keep my mouth shut, telling everyone that my little brother was newly born. Mom made your middle name "Alexander" and mine was "Alexandria." To this day, I take pride in that simple middle name that we share and it still makes me feel as important as it did back in sixth grade. I remember when mom would need help around the house, so I would hold you as our sister would be staring over my arm at you, wondering how a human being could be so helpless and small. But to be honest, as I would sit there and hold you, I would be thinking the same thing. I would be holding up your tiny little head thinking, "I was once this small and now here I am, so I wonder what you will grow to be some day." As it turns out, you grew to be my angel.

As time went on, I would watch you and your sisters grow, and it took everything in me to stand by and do what I was being told. All I was wanting to do was go be a kid. Mom liked to go out a lot; she didn't necessarily know how to be a mom, but you did not understand at the time because you were so young. I was always assigned to watch you and your sisters when Mom said she was going grocery shopping, but every time she wouldn't come back from the store until the next day. So I did what I knew how to do... be your bigger sister. I would get so angry because my friends would get to hang out and be teenagers and I was always stuck at home watching you and your sisters. As time went on, I grew from so much responsibility at a young age, but for a very long time I was so angry and filled with so much hate for the world because of the burden on my shoulders.

So... I would like to apologize. I am apologizing because I would always wish that Mom never had you and your sisters because she didn't know how to be a mom in the first place. I would wish you and your siblings would disappear so that I could go hang out with my friends for once. It was not easy for me. Looking back now, I can see how much I grew from it all. Cooking you all dinner, giving everyone their evening bath, brushing your sister's crazy hair, giving you a shoulder to cry on every time you would trip over your own feet as you were learning how to walk... every experience I shared with you pushed me to grow, even if I was a little bit faster than I wanted. Now, I honestly find the beauty in all that I was put through.

Your sisters were a handful, but you were the one that always caught my attention. You had such a free spirit and that smile of yours could stop the world anytime it appeared. Anytime we went out, there was always at least one person who would say you had the most handsome smile. To this day, your smile saves my life. When I want to give up, that smile is always in the back of my mind telling me that everything I put my mind to will always be worth it, but I have to try and never stop trying. It was as simple as your smile and still is today. You loved everyone you met and not one person was ever a stranger to you. Your heart was so full of love and it hurts me to know you never got the chance to give even a fraction of the love you were destined to share. Every day, I am trying to share the remaining love you still had with everyone else through being kind. In my heart, I know you had so much to offer this world and you never got your chance.

One thing that I will always stay with me is how much you loved me. It almost felt like you had become my child because you would call me "Mommy" at times... I think you would get a bit confused on who was your mom, because when Mom would walk through the door after being gone for long periods of time your older sister would be screaming "Mommy's home!" You would look at me with your eyes so full of confusion. Just know... you had two moms. One mom loved you as best she could, she just had a hard time showing it. The other loved you with everything she had and gave up her world to make yours more bright.

I will be honest, I have been crying the whole time I have been writing this because the love I have for you will never be let go and I will never be able to get it all out of me. I get a feeling in my gut when I think of you because all that seems to come to mind is the way that you grew to be my angel. When you were taken away, just know that Grandma and I's intentions were to give you and your sisters a better life and we will forever hold pain in our heart because you and your sisters were given the complete opposite. We were not expecting to be cut off from you and your siblings, but trust me when I say that it took a toll on both of us. I was missing you grow. I was missing your personality shine through as you aged. I was missing the little things, like being able to tell you happy birthday and telling you how much I loved you before you shut your big brown eyes and fell asleep. As time went on, my heart would break because I had to look at photos to remember what you looked like. Now that you are gone, a photograph is no longer needed. Every little detail on your face is remembered and I wish it was because I was able to see you often, not because God got to hug you first. Despite the pain I feel every day from missing you, I am forever thankful you are now in His arms. You are finally being given the color you deserved to live your life on Earth in.

The day that I was told that you were no longer with us will stay with me forever. My knees went weak and I dropped to the floor, and I didn't think that I was going to be able to find the strength to get back up. But I did. I went to track practice a half hour later and I didn't tell a single soul. Your story was already out and I did not want to claim the boy who left this planet for all of the wrong reasons as my brother. So I am going to apologize, once again. I should not of been ashamed that you were gone. I was overwhelmed by the cruel acts that had become my reality, because they shouldn't of existed in the first place. They succeeded, and you were gone. Despite your disappearance from me and from the world, I can promise you one thing. YOU were a big deal and you are still talked about everyday. I'm sure many people felt and could see the love you had in your heart when they viewed your face on the news every night. Your sincerity would show through your big brown eyes and I am not the only person who noticed. As devastating as it is for you to no longer be with us, I found beauty within others because they cared so much for you despite them never having met you. Their impact on me allowed me to see things in a new perspective and I will forever be grateful for the kind hearts I have witnessed.

I know that you were trapped in a dark room for a very long time, but I hope you kept that smile of yours and remembered all the times we shared together. I know you were not shown even a fraction of the love you deserved, but I hope you carried all the love Mom, Grandma, your sisters, and I had shown you in your heart. You were worth more than that dark basement and those cruel words. You were worth more than those bruises and hateful eyes.You were worth more. Thank you, for reminding me everyday to find the beauty within every battle, hardship, and struggle. Everything I now do, I do because of you. I will always keep in my heart the times I would hold you in my arms and wonder who you would grow to become. Now, I am at peace because I know. You grew to be my angel, but you also grew for Heaven.

I love you, Adrian.

- Kiki