It’s been three years since I last saw you, but I still remember everything like it was yesterday. You were the quarterback of your high school football team, threw huge parties at your house every weekend and had an entourage of pretty girls fawning over you 24/7. I was the quiet, nerdy girl that was always at home studying, and I had absolutely zero sense of style and no idea how to put on makeup or curl my hair. I remember thinking that you were the coolest person in the world, and that you’d never even notice somebody like me. But for some strange reason, we started hanging out. After a while, I could tell that you really liked me, and even though I was way too shy to admit that I really liked you too, you picked up on it pretty quickly. We became the classic bad-boy-good-girl couple, and you were everything that I imagined the perfect boyfriend would be. You treated me like I was queen of the universe, always showed me off to all your friends, took me on fancy dates, and bought me beautiful gifts that in hindsight were probably way too expensive for someone your age to be buying. I remember when you told me that you loved me, and I remember how much I loved you. You were everything I ever could have wanted, and all I could ever think about was how lucky I was to have you.

But the thing I remember most clearly was how much it hurt to walk away from you. I never told you any of this, but that summer that you broke up with me was the hardest three months of my entire life. I could barely eat or sleep for two weeks. I stopped hanging out with my friends, hardly spoke to my parents, and basically just laid in bed watching TV all day to try and get my mind off of you. I cried every single day and every single night that entire summer. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and replaced it with a block of ice. I couldn’t wait to get to college so I could get as far away from home as possible, because everywhere I looked, there was always something that reminded me of you.

I lost myself that summer, and when I finally did get to college, everything about me changed. I remember how innocent I was when I met you, and you wouldn’t even believe some of the things I’ve done since then. I remember how much you used to party every weekend and how much I hated it, and I went on to spend my entire freshman year doing the exact same thing. I remember how you used to get frustrated about how shy and quiet I was around your friends because I was always afraid that they were judging me, and now here I am, writing down my most painful secrets for the whole world to read. And I remember how much you hated the fact that I was always questioning whether or not you really loved me, mostly because I couldn’t figure out why someone as cool and popular as you would ever have wanted to be with someone like the person I was back then. You probably wouldn’t even recognize me now.

Don’t get me wrong; I still hate you for what you put me through. I used to be the kind of girl that loved being in a relationship, but you made me so cynical about the idea of love that it’s hard for me to even consider dating anyone now, even someone I really do care about. I felt so alone when I was getting over you, so I took comfort in hanging out with a new guy every weekend. No matter how many guys I met though, I couldn’t get myself to feel anything for anyone for a very long time. I’ve overcome that recently, but I still tend to shut people out if I start to feel like it’s becoming more than just a casual hangout. I’m usually pretty open and honest about my life and my opinions, but I’ll admit that I’m still kind of terrified to let anyone get too close to me, because I don’t want to go through the same things that I went through because of you. I often put on this “tough girl” act and I can come off as kind of cold and heartless or like I don’t really care about anyone, but the truth is, I just have a huge wall built up in front of me, because I don’t want to let someone else hurt me as badly as you did. You took a lot of things away from me, and it’s taken me a long time to put myself back together.

But in spite of all of that, I want to thank you. Thank you for breaking up with me before I left for college. I had a pretty wild first semester trying to get over you, but looking back on it, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Thank you for always teasing me about being so shy and sheltered. It really helped me come out of my shell these past few years. Thank you for all of the nights I cried myself to sleep that summer. They forced me to grow a thicker skin, and taught me how to be my own support system. And most of all, thank you for showing me what real love feels like. There’s no way for me to know if I’ll ever find that again, but at least I can say I was lucky enough to experience it once, even if it ended in heartbreak.

I went through hell and back because of you, but I learned so much about myself along the way, and for that I’m forever grateful. I was just a shy little girl who didn’t know who she was when I met you, but because of you I’ve become a woman who is confident, independent, powerful, and unafraid to be exactly who she wants to be. It’s been three years since we’ve spoken, but I hope you know that I truly appreciate all the lessons I learned from you. I’m a better person because of what we had, and I can never truly repay you for that. If for some crazy reason you end up reading this, know that I owe you my life, and that I forgive you for everything. And I wish you all the happiness and love in the world. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.