We never "officially" dated,
Not really, anyway. Sure, we went on a few dates over the course of a couple of months. Of course I was always overjoyed with happiness when I woke up to a text from you on my phone. I always remember the butterflies that I would get in my stomach when you held my hand or grabbed me closer when we would lay together. Or, how about those times we would try and do airplane on your bed and would laugh uncontrollably when I fell down.
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But we never officially dated. Because after that handful of dates, you pulled away. I was okay with it, he’ll come back, I figured. He just needs space. We had perhaps been texting too much and I could do with some space myself. But after over a week of barely hearing from you and waiting up to 24-hours for a reply when I did, I reached out. And eight hours later, you replied asking if we could just be friends.
I’ll never understand what happened. I know I did nothing wrong, but I agreed anyway. Because while I knew I wanted more, we were so compatible that I honestly thought we could make it work.
So we became friends. And things went back to normal. You started texting me all the time again and asking me to come over and have a beer or two and watch netflix (where you were still pretty flirty, but I told myself that’s just how you are with everyone). “We almost dated” might be the weirdest type of friendship one can have with someone, but I’d be damned if it didn’t feel right.
I ask myself over and over why it bothered me so much when you were out with another girl, or when you'd post a picture of you and another girl on snapchat?
Was it because even though we agreed to be friends, I never had proper closure, and as such had retained a bit of a residual crush?
Was it because it had been less than two weeks since you asked if we could be friends?
All of the above, probably.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at you. You did nothing wrong, technically. But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been listening to my fair share of sad songs and angry lyrics on my go to playlist. I’d be lying if I said you weren’t still my 3AM thoughts. I’d be lying if I said every time my phone buzzes, I don’t secretly hope it’s you. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want you in my life on some level.
But I can’t be your friend anymore. Because while I’ve started saying yes to the guys that ask me out again, I need to stop subconsciously comparing them to you. I need to stop wondering if you and your new girl fit together as perfectly as we did. I need to stop feeling insane, insecure, and irrational all at once. But most of all, I need to let myself be happy again. And you need to let me be happy, too.
So I’m sorry that I’ve stopped replying to your texts, and I’m sorry that I unfriended you on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. But I couldn’t look at another picture of you smiling that smile that I had grown so fond of with your arms wrapped around someone else, or see another tweet about happy and in love you are. I hope you understand that it’s just something I needed to do to move on as you so clearly have from me.
But I’d be lying if I said I don’t still hope that sometimes you wonder about me.
